Nothing is more unpleasant than interviewing health-care providers and making appointments by phone. Yes, I know that it sounds perfectly simple to you but you haven't tried it, have you?
I'd finished two double espressos and still, the outlook was dark. Even wearing my new beret hadn't helped as much as I'd hoped. Don't get me wrong, the latest choice in head joy did make me feel slightly better than otherwise but the mood remained in the cellar. I'd become convinced that the Universe was taking advantage of me and not in a good way.
Into my awareness, there slowly crept sounds of commotion coming from the alley behind Port City Cafe. I could hear a dog barking and crows raising a ruckus. I decided to check it out and walked around the building to the delivery dock.
As soon as I rounded the corner, a cargo van came screeching into the alley. The turn was so sharp that the van tilted up on two wheels and plowed through a row of garbage cans before coming to a stop.
You surely recognize the MO. It was Princess Amy who loves to arrive in a whirlwind of drama. Amy wasn't literally driving a van. An almond-shaped cluster of brain cells can't get a driver's license in the Carolinas. You know that.
"Well, you certainly don't see that every day," I said to her as she crawled out of the wreckage. I had to say something complimentary after she'd gone to so much trouble to impress me.
"Thanks," she said. "Kind of you to say so. I feel much better now," she said as she brushed her blouse and jeans.
"I'm sure you do," I said.
"Now," she said with a deep breath, "what's all this nonsense about you not having a purpose?"
I admit the question took me by surprise. I recoiled slightly and searched the data banks for the appropriate response.
"Well...," I said.
"Save it," she said. "And now you listen to me. You are the chosen dark minion just like I told you in the dream."
"I am?"
"Just not of revolution and wholesale social change," she said.
"Uh...," I said.
"It's more like redirection and subterfuge," she said. "And so from now on, you must listen to me and do exactly as I say and everything will go fine."
Well, I knew this was nonsense and pure piffle, I mean I may be the lead squirrel in the race to the nut tree but I'm not stupid.
"But what about?" I said.
"You let me handle that," she said.
"What if?" I said.
"I'll take care of it," she said.
I stared at her in silence much like Chris Rock stared at Will Smith at the Academy Awards.
Amy climbed back into the driver's seat in the van, started the engine, and as she drove away she said, "Next time you see me I'll be driving a semi. Have a good morning. " And with that, she was gone.
"What about the sewer harpies?" I yelled but she was too far away to hear me.