"Captain," I began, "regarding your request to have the Coastal Voyager assigned to monitor the Riot Fest in Chicago...“
"Approved," Amy interrupted, not bothering to look up from her console. "Excellent work, Ambassador. I knew you had influence.”
"Not quite, ” I said. "There's a scheduling conflict.“
"A scheduling conflict?" Amy swiveled her chair around to face me, her eyes snapped upward with the precision of a tactical targeting system.
"Riot Fest 2026 opens September 18th, Ambassador. The greatest Starfleet captain in all of space exploration will be headlining with his heavy metal rock band. Surely there is no conflict.”
“But you see, the promotions review board meets September 18th through the 22nd," I explained. “Your presence is required for the full duration. You can’t be in both places simultaneously.”
The silence that followed was the kind that happens when a fundamental law of the universe is in question. Major Reason looked up from his science station. Lieutenant Joy's fingers hovered motionless above her communications array. Chief Engineer Anxiety was heard catching his breath in his quarters below decks.
"Cannot?" Amy said quietly. The word hung in the air like a photon torpedo waiting for detonation. "Ambassador, you misspoke, because I assure you, I will.”
"Captain, the logistics—“
"Are not my concern." Amy rose from her command chair with theatrical authority. "You will contact Mindfleet Command and inform them that Captain Amy requires the promotions review board to reschedule their proceedings.”
“Amy—"
"Riot Fest 2026 opens September 18th, Ambassador. The greatest Starfleet captain in all of space exploration will be headlining with his heavy metal rock band. Surely there is no conflict.”
“But you see, the promotions review board meets September 18th through the 22nd," I explained. “Your presence is required for the full duration. You can’t be in both places simultaneously.”
The silence that followed was the kind that happens when a fundamental law of the universe is in question. Major Reason looked up from his science station. Lieutenant Joy's fingers hovered motionless above her communications array. Chief Engineer Anxiety was heard catching his breath in his quarters below decks.
"Cannot?" Amy said quietly. The word hung in the air like a photon torpedo waiting for detonation. "Ambassador, you misspoke, because I assure you, I will.”
"Captain, the logistics—“
"Are not my concern." Amy rose from her command chair with theatrical authority. "You will contact Mindfleet Command and inform them that Captain Amy requires the promotions review board to reschedule their proceedings.”
“Amy—"
"Admiral Amy to you, Ambassador,” she corrected, her eyes gleaming with authority.
Major Reason adjusted his uniform with the resigned acceptance of a man who had witnessed this particular form of stubbornness many times before. "Captain, if I may interject with a mathematical improbability—“
"No," said Amy. "You may not.” Then, addressing me again: “Ambassador, you have forty-eight hours to resolve this scheduling matter. Dismissed.”
The next morning, I arrived on the bridge to find the captain's chair unoccupied. Lieutenant Joy and Major Reason were gathered around a poster draped across the captain's console.
The image was unmistakable: William Shatner, posed heroically with an electric guitar, his expression suggesting he had just discovered the secret to the universe and found it to be absolutely heavy metal.
"Well," said Major Reason, his eyebrows ascending toward an Olympic altitude, “you don’t see this every day.”
The bridge doors hissed open. Captain Amy stepped onto the bridge. "Where did that come from?" she whispered.
“It has to be the work of Cadet Reginald,” Lieutenant Joy replied. “That ferret will steal anything with bright neon colors. I still haven’t found my sparkly boot laces.”
Before anyone could respond, Joy's communications console chimed with an all-hands alert. She rushed to the station, and her fingers flew across the interface with practiced urgency.
"Captain, I'm receiving a priority broadcast feed from a Chicago television station," she reported. "It's routing through my main coms channel. That shouldn't be possible...“
The view-screen blazed to life.
A Chicago news anchor appeared, reporting on the upcoming Riot Fest. But the images behind her held everyone's attention: William Shatner being interviewed about his heavy metal band debut.
"—unprecedented in festival history," the anchor was saying. "Riot Fest founder Mike Petryshyn claims they've been trying to book William Shatner for seventeen years. The performer's rider is... extraordinary.”
The broadcast cut to a list, displayed with apparent humor:
Major Reason adjusted his uniform with the resigned acceptance of a man who had witnessed this particular form of stubbornness many times before. "Captain, if I may interject with a mathematical improbability—“
"No," said Amy. "You may not.” Then, addressing me again: “Ambassador, you have forty-eight hours to resolve this scheduling matter. Dismissed.”
The next morning, I arrived on the bridge to find the captain's chair unoccupied. Lieutenant Joy and Major Reason were gathered around a poster draped across the captain's console.
The image was unmistakable: William Shatner, posed heroically with an electric guitar, his expression suggesting he had just discovered the secret to the universe and found it to be absolutely heavy metal.
"Well," said Major Reason, his eyebrows ascending toward an Olympic altitude, “you don’t see this every day.”
The bridge doors hissed open. Captain Amy stepped onto the bridge. "Where did that come from?" she whispered.
“It has to be the work of Cadet Reginald,” Lieutenant Joy replied. “That ferret will steal anything with bright neon colors. I still haven’t found my sparkly boot laces.”
Before anyone could respond, Joy's communications console chimed with an all-hands alert. She rushed to the station, and her fingers flew across the interface with practiced urgency.
"Captain, I'm receiving a priority broadcast feed from a Chicago television station," she reported. "It's routing through my main coms channel. That shouldn't be possible...“
The view-screen blazed to life.
A Chicago news anchor appeared, reporting on the upcoming Riot Fest. But the images behind her held everyone's attention: William Shatner being interviewed about his heavy metal band debut.
"—unprecedented in festival history," the anchor was saying. "Riot Fest founder Mike Petryshyn claims they've been trying to book William Shatner for seventeen years. The performer's rider is... extraordinary.”
The broadcast cut to a list, displayed with apparent humor:
—Fire breathers. Many of them.
—A Montreal Canadiens jersey signed by John Stamos
—An assortment of adoptable puppies from a reputable local nonprofit animal rescue
Amy's hand rose to her mouth. Her eyes were glistening. “Listen up, people! This is not a drill," she announced, her voice quivering and her eyes moist: "Shatner himself has stated: 'I've always believed that music, like space, is about exploration.’ And Riot Fest is exactly the kind of place where anything can happen."
"Captain?" Joy ventured carefully. "I'm not sure how this broadcast is reaching us, or why it's routed through my comms channel, but—“
The answer came from the ventilation grate near the starboard wall. A small ferret emerged, his miniature officer's cap dipped strategically over his right eye. The MA-1 translator collar around his neck glowed with activity.
"Yo, Cap," Cadet Reginald's voice crackled through the speaker. “That poster is straight fact. The TV feed is just me droppin' some knowledge through Five of Five's channels. Dude's ego is huge, but his firewall is... let's say 'negotiable' when you know the right frequencies, ya feel me?”
Major Reason's eyebrow ascended to previously unknown altitudes. "Cadet Reginald. You penetrated the Adaptive Intelligence system's security architecture?”
"Nah, nah, nah," Reginald's translator rendered his response with casual confidence. "I didn't penetrate nothing, Major. I just... collaborated. Fivey likes to show off his processing speed. No harm, no foul.”
I could see the calculations behind Amy’s eyes—the same process I'd witnessed before, when she was determining whether the impossible was merely a suggestion.
“He’s fronting his very own heavy metal band.” She said in a voice filled with awe.
"Captain," Major Reason said carefully, "I must inform you that the Promotions Review Board meets September 18th through 22nd. The temporal overlap remains—“
"Fire breathers," Amy interrupted, still staring at the screen. "His rider includes fire breathers. Many of them.”
"Yes, Captain, but—“
"And adoptable puppies."
"Captain, if I might redirect your attention to the scheduling—"
"Adoptable puppies," Amy said softly. "There will be adoptable puppies backstage.”
She turned to face me again, and her expression was something I had never quite seen before and hoped to never see again.
"Ambassador," she said, "I will be attending Riot Fest on September 20th. The Coastal Voyager will be there. The entire crew will document this moment for posterity.”
"But the promotions review—“
"Will accommodate my schedule," she finished. "You will tell Mindfleet Command that Captain Amy intends to be in Chicago on September 20th. You will tell them to reschedule the review. And you will tell them that William Shatner—William Shatner—is performing live heavy metal at a rock festival, and I will not miss it.”
She looked directly at me. "Do you understand, Ambassador?"
"I'll contact Mindfleet Command," I said quietly.
"Thank you," said Amy, turning back to stare at the viewscreen, where Shatner's image continued its loop.
From the ventilation shaft, Cadet Reginald's translator crackled: “Yo, that's what I call a power move, Cap. Now, I'm heading straight for the puppy hookup. Once I'm in the rescue squad rotation, I'm sliding backstage with the Shatner all day. Diplomatic infiltration at its finest, ya heard? Shatner don't even know what's rolling up on him. Dook! Reginald out!"
"Captain?" Joy ventured carefully. "I'm not sure how this broadcast is reaching us, or why it's routed through my comms channel, but—“
The answer came from the ventilation grate near the starboard wall. A small ferret emerged, his miniature officer's cap dipped strategically over his right eye. The MA-1 translator collar around his neck glowed with activity.
"Yo, Cap," Cadet Reginald's voice crackled through the speaker. “That poster is straight fact. The TV feed is just me droppin' some knowledge through Five of Five's channels. Dude's ego is huge, but his firewall is... let's say 'negotiable' when you know the right frequencies, ya feel me?”
Major Reason's eyebrow ascended to previously unknown altitudes. "Cadet Reginald. You penetrated the Adaptive Intelligence system's security architecture?”
"Nah, nah, nah," Reginald's translator rendered his response with casual confidence. "I didn't penetrate nothing, Major. I just... collaborated. Fivey likes to show off his processing speed. No harm, no foul.”
I could see the calculations behind Amy’s eyes—the same process I'd witnessed before, when she was determining whether the impossible was merely a suggestion.
“He’s fronting his very own heavy metal band.” She said in a voice filled with awe.
"Captain," Major Reason said carefully, "I must inform you that the Promotions Review Board meets September 18th through 22nd. The temporal overlap remains—“
"Fire breathers," Amy interrupted, still staring at the screen. "His rider includes fire breathers. Many of them.”
"Yes, Captain, but—“
"And adoptable puppies."
"Captain, if I might redirect your attention to the scheduling—"
"Adoptable puppies," Amy said softly. "There will be adoptable puppies backstage.”
She turned to face me again, and her expression was something I had never quite seen before and hoped to never see again.
"Ambassador," she said, "I will be attending Riot Fest on September 20th. The Coastal Voyager will be there. The entire crew will document this moment for posterity.”
"But the promotions review—“
"Will accommodate my schedule," she finished. "You will tell Mindfleet Command that Captain Amy intends to be in Chicago on September 20th. You will tell them to reschedule the review. And you will tell them that William Shatner—William Shatner—is performing live heavy metal at a rock festival, and I will not miss it.”
She looked directly at me. "Do you understand, Ambassador?"
"I'll contact Mindfleet Command," I said quietly.
"Thank you," said Amy, turning back to stare at the viewscreen, where Shatner's image continued its loop.
From the ventilation shaft, Cadet Reginald's translator crackled: “Yo, that's what I call a power move, Cap. Now, I'm heading straight for the puppy hookup. Once I'm in the rescue squad rotation, I'm sliding backstage with the Shatner all day. Diplomatic infiltration at its finest, ya heard? Shatner don't even know what's rolling up on him. Dook! Reginald out!"
I looked at the Captain. She was looking at me. "Ambassador," she said, "Explain to Cadet Reginald that the Prime Directive exists to prevent ferrets from masquerading as rescue puppies. I will not be reassigned because a ferret violated the Non-Interference Doctrine. Make. That. Clear."
Major Reason looked at me. "Ambassador, I must inform you that you have just been outmaneuvered by a small mustelid."
“I’m aware," I said.
“I will note this in my report."
"Of course you will."
Author's Supplemental:
Riot Fest 2026 runs September 18–20 at Chicago's Douglass Park. William Shatner's debut performance with The *uckers is scheduled for Sunday, September 20th. The festival's roster includes Twenty One Pilots, Alanis Morissette, Morrissey, Iggy Pop, Elvis Costello & The Imposters, Pixies, Sex Pistols, Patti Smith, and Nas, among more than 100 artists.
Cadet Reginald remains unaccounted for, though witnesses report seeing a small ferret near the animal rescue nonprofit's office in Chicago, making inquiries about "adoptable puppies."
The heavy metal awaits.
"Of course you will."
Author's Supplemental:
Riot Fest 2026 runs September 18–20 at Chicago's Douglass Park. William Shatner's debut performance with The *uckers is scheduled for Sunday, September 20th. The festival's roster includes Twenty One Pilots, Alanis Morissette, Morrissey, Iggy Pop, Elvis Costello & The Imposters, Pixies, Sex Pistols, Patti Smith, and Nas, among more than 100 artists.
Cadet Reginald remains unaccounted for, though witnesses report seeing a small ferret near the animal rescue nonprofit's office in Chicago, making inquiries about "adoptable puppies."
The heavy metal awaits.
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