Water Pipes Figure Into It

"Ms Wonder," I said, getting right down to it, as I'm sure you know is the Genome way. "The aunt's curse has come upon me, as I warned you it would, if ever I visited the Cove, and I did visit the damned place, only to support a favorite cousin in her hour of need. And what's the upshot? I'll tell you what--my little qigong nest is shredded."

"What are you driveling about?" she said. Not the correct response, as I'm sure you agree, but I let it go. Best to avoid side issues. There are times when staying on topic is the best course of action, or else you risk ending up in the ditch. I've been in the ditch and I don't care for it.

"I'll tell you what I'm driveling about," I said. "My plans to teach a public qigong class at Straw Valley has been kiboshed for the rest of the year--that's what."

"I don't see how visiting the Cove has anything to do with classes at Straw Valley," she said. "Besides COVID19 has ruled that out anyway."

"That's just it," I said. "I'd think the cause and effect were perfectly clear. You know the basics of course. I went to the cove for an afternoon and got dragged into that ranygazoo over Gwyn's ring. The upshot of it all was that I got quarantined in my room at the inn just before the pandemic hit. Surely you remember the details.

"I remember that you were caught looking for a mouse in the fishing guide's room?" she said.

I gave her a look--one that was meant to sting.

"Ms. Wonder," I said, pacing my words, "you know perfectly well that I was not looking for a mouse. I was looking for that damned ring, at Gwyn's insistence. I've admitted that the mouse story wasn't one of my best but it's not easy to come up with zinger when you're caught bending by Constable Vickie Mason."

She began waving me off with a raised hand and I found myself questioning the loyalty of this better-or-for-worser.

"What does all this have to do with qigong classes at Straw Valley?"

I drew myself up to my full height in response to all that hand waving and questioning.

"Due to my staying an evening longer than planned...," I began.

"Until you climbed down the water pipe the next morning," she said.

Now I raised a hand but I didn't wave it about. I had the feeling that she was not entirely in sympathetic harmony with the Genome and I thought it best to cut her remarks short. Besides, we seemed to be going into side issues again. After all, what do water pipes have to do with the topic at hand?

"The delay caused me to miss my appointment with the new managers at Straw Valley and, by the time I got home, we were under stay-at-home guidelines and Straw Valley was closed for business. Now, given the current state of affairs, my plans to add a public qigong class this year are in smoldering ruins."

"Have you thought of offering a qigong class online using Zoom?" she asked, and I was beginning to note a more compassionate timbre in her voice.

"Zoom?," I said. "Hmmm," I said as I turned it over in the coconut. "Hmmmm."

"I'll leave you to think about it," she said as she walked out of the room.

"Yes, do," I said, "and don't say anything about this to The Aunts. You know how they like to get involved."

"You can count on me," she said.

"Hmmm," I said.

"Oh," she said as her head appeared once more in the doorway.

"I thought you were gone," I said.

"Me too," she said. "But I have just one question. Why does this conversation come with a picture of a gazelle?"

"Simple," I said. "We studied a poet in that school of mine who said that every time he comes to love a gazelle--or words to that effect--he losses it. And losing the gig at Straw Valley makes me feel like I'm one gazelle short."

"I see," she said. But I'm not all sure that she did see. Still, it was nice of her to say it.

Not Today, Amy!

I woke in the guest room after another one of those dreams about being in a roomful of people who're taking up space that should be used for other purposes. It's not that I didn't like them. I hardly knew them. What I found disagreeable was their expiration date had passed by several months. 

Padme' Amidala

I rolled out of bed and staggered into the salle de bains where Ms. Wonder was partially submerged in the garden tub. She raised her face to me and gazed apprehensively. I didn't feel any too good about that either.

"You look like the ostrich that swallowed the brass doorknob," she said.

"Do you mean that in a caring way?" I said, not sure I liked the temperature in here any more than I liked that dream. Then her gaze softened and I immediately felt the soothing balm of loving-kindness.

She cleared her throat and spoke in a tone that couldn't have been more sympathetic. "Bad business," she said. Well, maybe it could have been a little more symp, but I'll take what I can get.

"Appalling," I said, turning toward the mirror suddenly conscious of my appearance and wondering how it rated after a night of kicking at ghouls.

"What are you going to do about it?" she said.

"What do you mean, do about it?" I said. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I had planned to work on that book but something tells me the day's going to sink into the deep. I'll be lucky to be casting a shadow by day's end."

"Nonsense," she said in a rather meaningful way but then she returned to sluicing the torso. I remember thinking at the time that when I'm in deep trouble--the kind that requires expert and tactful handling, it's from this sage of the Russian steppes that I find complete satisfaction. 

But, more often than not, she finds the solution in detail that she doesn't confide in me. It seemed that way now.

"You say nonsense but I don't follow. What nonsense?" I said.

"This is obviously more monkey-wrenching from the Empress," she said. "It stinks of her dirty dealings, don't you think? There's only one thing to do, and you know it. You're writing a book about it for heaven's sake."

"I still don't follow you," I said. "What does anything have to do with Uma and why do you think I write about her in my book?"

In the spirit of full disclosure, I should probably mention that we also spoke of whether or not to capitalize the word, heaven, and whether a reservation in hell is made in your name if you don't. But that's a side issue and we won't let it detain us from the rest of the story.

"Uma?" said the Wonder. "I'm not talking about Uma, I'm talking about your amig...what's it? Amig something."

"You must mean amygdala," I said.

"That's it," she said with a nod of the head while she began running the loofah up and down the arms. "Amidala--Princess Amidala. She's behind this."

"If you are referring to Amy and my amygdala," I said, "she's not a Star Wars action figure." 

"Princess Amy is the little tyrant that sits on the throne of my emotions. But I'm beginning to understand where you're going with this. You think my funk has something to do with my mercurial temperament."

"Is that what you call it?" she said. There followed a moment of silence as she directed one of her looks toward me and I returned the look, but mine had knobs on. 

You know how it is when two people, both of strong will, heading in two different directions, meet somewhere in the middle. One has got to give way.

"Genome," she said. "It's as plain as the nose on your face."

I glanced into the mirror again which served to confirm my doubt that the solution to my problem was not nearly as obvious as my nose.

"You've been talking to Amy just now, haven't you?" she said.

"I've only had a bad dream," I corrected her.

"Same thing," she said. "You've been talking to Amy, or rather she's been talking to you in a dream, and calling you some very unpleasant names, no doubt. It's just like when we were in Southport and you got caught sneaking onto the set of One Summer..."

"I was not sneaking," I said. "I was simply strolling by and the wrangler got his drawers in a wad. It was no big deal to shout, Cut, and then pick up where they left off after I moved out of camera range, but he had to make a big deal out of it. If I remember correctly, he threatened to call Hallmark."

"It was like that time in Moe's," she continued, "when you were angry with our neighbors just because they ignored you. And in the parking lot of Trader Joe's when the guy in the pickup truck backed into you..."

"Alright," I said, "I get it. No need to turn it into a musical. I admit that I have a chaotic emotional center. "

"Yes, you do," she said, "and you must always remember the principles of fierce living. That's what your book is about, isn't it?"

"Fierce Qigong!" I said, finally getting it. "You've hit the nail on the head again."

"Rem acu tetigisti," she said being careful to pronounce the italics. Perhaps you know what it means. Over my head though. In fact, I worried that her marvelous brain might be coming unglued but I thought it best to humor her just the same. 

"Precisely," I said. "You took the words right out of my mouth. I have to live life on life's terms and live it fully, refusing any guff from Amy." I said.

"Tax life!" she said.

"Wait a second," I said. "We were on the same page there for a little bit, but what's this 'tax life'?

"Just that you've got to do it fully and completely leaving no room for doubt. The way you did when you shouted down the Thirteenth Ghost. What's a limbic system compared to a Thirteenth Ghost?"

"Yes," I said, "of course. Now I see what you're driving at." She referred to a previous dream, maybe you're familiar, in which I was trolled by a screaming ghost and couldn't shake her until I faced her and out-screamed her. Or, come to think of it, perhaps I haven't written that one yet.

"Fill up the void with the strength of Me!" I said to Wonder. "Shout, 'Not today, Amy!' and mean it."

"Precisely," she said.

And then I realized that this wonderful woman was still on the Genome team. We would face the world together. Or I would face the world and she would cheer me on from the sidelines. She has her own world to face after all.

"Thank you, Ms. Wonder," I said. "I think I'll give this day a good piece of my mind."

"Attaboy!" she said.

Life on Life's Terms

This morning after the usual 12-point inspection of the soul vessel and routine maintenance on the 3 cats, I sat on the screened porch with a steaming mug of Jah's mercy and contemplated the dark clouds on the horizon. I didn't like them. 

What one wants in the early morning, especially when appointments are scheduled and people are prepared to rally round and whatnot, is soft light and warm, gentle stirrings in the foliage, with bluebirds singing backup. That sort of morning provides the right atmosphere to be up and doing.

I remember thinking that it was just another version of an old, familiar story. The universe lulls you into a false sense of security with a string of days featuring clear, blue skies and warm sunshine, and then when you're feeling that God's on his throne and all's right with the world, she throws into your lap one of those weather-of-the-century freak events.

"What's troubling you?" asked a voice from stage left. I didn't need to look to know that Ms. Wonder had entered the porch.

"Nothing new," I said.

"Can I help?" she asked.

"How well are you liked by the weather gods?" I said.

"I was just coming to let you know that a storm's headed this way," she said and then added, "According to the Weather Channel."

The words had barely escaped her lips when the skies shook with thunder. The rumbling began offshore and tumbled up the Cape Fear River and on toward Virginia.

"Better get the cats inside," she said but her advice was mute because before she finished speaking, the cats were up and through the door, each headed for their personal favorite hiding spot.

Following closely on the cats' heels was a gust of wind that rattled the windows and then with no notice whatever the rain began. But not just rain. Most of what fell for the next 10 minutes was ice--hail the size of the diamond that Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor. The ground was covered in ice in less than a minute and the temperature dropped from refreshingly brisk to brrrr-cold.

I stood looking out the window at the wonder of God's handiwork if that's what it was.  I remember thinking, This is another fine kettle of fish you've gotten us into. I was also thinking that Beignet had an appointment with the veterinarian in about 30 minutes and I wondered if the vet techs would come out to the curb in a hailstorm to take him inside. 

"Did you say something about fish?" asked the Wonder. 

"Did I say that out loud?" I said.

"Either that or I read your mind," she said.

At that moment the hail stopped, the skies cleared, and the sun shone. I know! Go figure, right? Sometimes I think that if I were in charge of the weather, I could do a much better job. But I've got other things to do and I suppose I'll just have to make the best of what I get. 

Right about now, you're probably thinking, Life comes hard and fast and that I, as much as anyone, should know that. And you're absolutely right on both counts. Once again I'm reminded that the prudent person tries to be prepared for anything and enjoy, as much as possible, the Laurel and Hardy act that is modern life.

I looked at Ms. Wonder. She was looking at me. I shrugged and so did she. I decided it was time for a grande flat-white. What else can you do?