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Can't Stop Us Now

Sunshine stole across the mews from the general direction of the Atlantic Ocean, not that it was remarkable in any way. I mean, I'm damned if I know how it's done--smoke and mirrors probably--but that old sun rises each and every morning and has done so for a good long time if what I read is true. 

Statistically, it has to fail one day soon, of course, but the Genome doesn't plan to be around when it does. If you're smart, and I readily accept that you are smart, you'll book your getaway with me.


But, as I say, sunshine stole, and then it oozed its way through the gates and onto the grounds of Chadsford Hall. It made its way up the outside wall to the second-floor bedroom window, and if you're wondering how then you won't be surprised to learn that I too wonder how. Perhaps it climbs up the waterspout.

The morning was a perfect ringer for the one we'd been waiting for, Ms. Wonder and I, and we had a song in our hearts when we rose and began preparing for our trip. I think I'm not exceeding the limit when I say the general mood was bumpsie-daisy.

The reason for our whatsit was waiting for us at Litchfield in our sister state to the south. It was twenty years ago this very month that the Wonder and I published our very first travel article in the Birmingham News. We were on our way to those same Eden-like gardens to do yet another article, one that our biographers may recall as, Brookgreen Gardens, Then and Now.

The Genome that waded through a half-dozen cats and padded across the Persian carpet was not the usual Genome. The spirit was high. I may have sung a few lines of "59th Street Bridge Song" and if I didn't sing, then I must have hummed a few bars.

When I reached the sal de bains, I entered a world of mists and fruitful mellowness, and I expected to find Ms. Wonder in attendance. I was not disappointed. She was there, bubble-covered and lilac-scented to the core.

"Good morning," I called into the billows of steam.

"Oh, you startled me," she said.

"Not like you startled me," I said, "I thought you were Venus, rising from the sea."

"You came to bed late," she said.

"Went for a walk in the garden," I said.

"Good for you," she said, "the garden is nice late in the evening. Very soothing."

"That's your view, is it?"

"And the stars," she said.

"What about the stars?"

"You know," she said,"the floor of heaven is thick inlaid with patens of bright gold."

I immediately realized that she was coming dangerously close to the blessed damozel leaned out from the gold bar of heaven and so I decided to take prompt action through the proper channels. This is the way of the Genomes and I'm sure it was the same with Napoleon. I'm sure you agree.

"Poopsie," I said.

"How does it go?" she asked, "the smallest orb in his motion like an angel sings..."

"Poopsie."

Such harmony is in immortal souls..."

"Poopsie!" I cried and the sound of my voice dislodged a cat from a bubble cloud at the foot of the tub. It turned out to be Eddy. The cat I mean, I don't have names for bubble clouds. He gave me one of those looks that cats sometimes do give when not happy about the circs.

"What?" said the Blessed Damsel.

"You couldn't possibly put a sock in the floor of heaven, could you?"

"Sorry," she said. "Not in a good mood then?"

"I've been loonier," I said.

"I'll say," she said.

"Pardon me?" I said.

"Looney to the eyebrows," she said.

"I'm in the room," I said. "I can hear you."

"Sorry," she said, "Are you still thinking about the lost opportunity at Straw Valley?"

"Definitely, not," I said. "I work through these little setbacks and then get on with life. Live for today, is my motto."

"Still," she said, "It's a sad thing to lose a gazelle."

"Ms. Wonder," I said, "don't try me too high. I'm not in the mood to discuss gazelles."

"Over it then?" she said.

"No doubt about it. Fierce living is the thing you know. Take life just as it's hurled at you." I said.

"Good," she said, holding out a shapely arm with the expectation that the Genome would put a towel in it. As it happened, she was not disappointed. "Then it's a good day for the low-country. Let's get ours while the getting's good."

"I'm with you," I said. Sometimes all it takes to turn the tide is being in the presence of the people who are on your side. If you don't have someone on your side, I suggest you give it a try. Try it now and if you have trouble finding someone, don't worry; you can can count on me.

In the Beginning--Kapow!

In the beginning’, was the way the paragraph came up to racing speed, and I mention only because I remember how odd it seemed at the time. But that's a side issue and need not detain us here. The book was written by a prestigious member of the Carnegie Institution’s geophysical community named Robert Hazen. I only mention that for legal reasons. What I really want to tell you is that this paragraph contains one of the most fascinating scientific observations of the century on the subject of the origins of the Universe.



The book is titled, “The Story of Earth,” and the paragraph continues to say that all space, energy and matter came into existence from—nothing! I know! According to the author, before the Big Bang, there was nothing and then, in an instant, there was everything needed to make...well, to make today.


This is the point where we raise the eyebrow and direct one of our patented looks at Mr. Hazen and the rest of the astrophysicists, if that's what they're calling themselves these days. And why do we raise our collective eyebrows? Because, of course, we've heard it said a thousand times that scientists don't put any value on ideas for which there is not a single shred of evidence and yet this is exactly what they would have us believe.


Where is the evidence that something can come from nothing? You will find no evidence for it in this world. In making this astounding claim, the astro-scientists are putting themselves in the company of creationists and magicians.


But that's not what I want to explore with you today. I know that you're time is valuable and I don't want to wast a moment of it. No, the real punchline came when the author hauls off and let's have it on the ear bone with this natty observations: “The concept (there being nothing one moment and the entire univers the next) is beyond our ability to craft metaphors."
I admit, this statement left me non-plussed for probably two or three seconds, and I meditated on it as Ms. Wonder and I began our hike along the American Tobacco Trail. I continued to focus on this conundrum with unusual ferocity for some time as we entered that zone of village chaos, with the bicyclers, the double-tandem strollers, the roller-bladers, the “on your lefters” and whatnot.
So focused was I that a near collision ensued with a passing perfect Stormy as she legged it along the trail with a hearty “what-ho” and possibly a dog or two in tow, possibly. I was still paying close attention when we made the turn and headed down the home stretch for the finish line—so fiercely observant was I that I almost missed M. Beck, training for the United States Marine Corp marathon, even though she was tootling me as she passed.

It was at the moment that this Beck was “Hi Genome-ing” that I had an Archimedes moment. You will remember Archi, plashing around in the bath tub, sloshing water all around and shouting 'Eureka!' and whatnot. Not that I wouldn't have done the same in the circs. And that's just what I did shout when the mental machinery sorted through all the data and I found just the metaphor that the author of the book thought beyond our ability.

How had I not seen it right away, I wondered. It was in front of the nose all along. In fact, it was in front of the paragraph. The metaphoric explanation--contained in a very famous book, by the way--for the concept of everything in the Universe coming from absolutely nothing in a flash begins with those same words—“In the beginning….”
I'm sure you saw it immediately. Can't get anything by my loyal fans. And, come to think of it, I'm sure Mr. Hazen realized it too. He was just teasing us. Don't you think so?

The Work of the Aunts

"Well, Ms. Wonder, here we are again," I said with as much top spin as I could muster.

"What?" she said. "Where are we again?"

"The Aunts, of course," I said. "I'm under another curse."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said.

I was astounded. Could she really be that clueless? I mean I had arrived back home only yesterday evening and we spoken of the major events of my road trip already. Is it possible, I wondered that she didn't realize how sorely my soul had been tried?

"I speaking of my trip to Macon, of course, and the tribulations visited on my head by the Aunts. Perhaps you didn't notice the capital 'A' when I mentioned them earlier. The capital 'A' indicates that I refer to the Fate sisters."

"Oh," she said and I realized that she still didn't grasp the gist of the thing.

"You are well aware, Wonder, that when you think everything is going swimmingly and that the world is a perfect place, you turn a corner and there facing you is one of those sisters, standing all akimbo, if akimbo is the word I'm looking for--hand on hip, toe tapping..."

"Yes, akimbo," she said.

"A rolling pin in her hand," I said.

"Rolling pin?"

"Rolling pin is what I said. Are you not familiar?"

"I think not," she said.

"Never mind," I said. "There she is, akimbo, as I mentioned earlier and before you can say, Ziggy Marley, ,Whap! One blunt instrument  upside the head, with the force equal to the maximum dose for the average adult."

"Why Ziggy Marley?" she said.

"Must I describe again how I made specific plans for the road trip, and yet my efforts were thwarted by those sisters, known in Celtic mythology as Babd, Macha and Nemain. This was a day filled just as they would have it with one damn thing after another."


"I was up with the snails that morning. And just as the poet Browning described, the lark was on the wing, or should have been, I didn't actually see a lark. The snails were on their respective thorns as I'm sure you agree had to be true. Probably. And if God wasn't on his throne, the circumstances were such that it made no discernible difference.

All was right with the world, or so it seemed. And that should have been my first clue that the Morrigan were planning to let me have it behind the ear with a sock filled with wet sand. Let me pause the action here to say that the Morrigan are the collective name for the sisters. I know! Don't ask me why. That's just the way it is. I don't make this stuff up, if that's what you're thinking. We must learn to accept it.

I had been led to believe, by some practical jokers, that all my driving options (I was out for a gran tour that day) were filled with rain. I choose the 30% option over the 40%. Small difference I know but when you're in a manic fit, as I'm sure I don't have to tell you, anything you can grab hold of is enough.

The 30% option included Anderson, SC. Follow this closely, you will learn something very telling about the Aunt's modus operandi. I laid a course to Anderson because I have wanted, for quite some time, to visit Aiken. There. Did you catch that? Somehow Aiken was confused with Anderson. You're going to say they both begin with 'A' but that's silly. I've never confused Altoona with Alabama. No, this was the Work of the Aunts alright.

When I realized that Anderson was not the desired destination, it was too far out of my way to change course to Aiken, so I chose the next best option. I rerouted to Athens, GA. And why not? Another city beginning with the same letter of alphabet and home to a highly acclaimed music scene. I thought it would be nice to get me some. So to Athens I rolled.

Oh, Lord, I prayed later that night, deliver me from Athens. I survived the night and moved on to Macon. Macon is where I should have gone in the first place. Beautiful horse country north of Macon and the pecan groves! Majestic is the word that comes to mind. I stopped at one of those yard-art shops with so much metal sculpture you hardly noticed the house. You couldn't have thrown a brick in any direction without clanking some old piece of machinery now living life as a work of art. I  was thinking about going inside to inquire about purchasing one of the pieces.

Before I could put that idea into action, a woman appeared on the front porch and explained, with no room for misunderstanding, that I was trespassing on private property.

I think that about sums it up, don't you? The work of the aunts. One damn thing after another.