Beignet and His Magic Sunglasses

The remnant of tropical storm Jazz was full upon us as I drove through Duke Forest on my way to an appointment at the university. The trees tossed their heads and waved their arms in a frantic frenzy, if frenzy is the word, exactly the way Shaka Khan used to do on Top of the Charts.

Leaves swirled across the road in great profusion. Blustery is the way I would describe the morning, yes, blustery is the mot juste. Not a small army of squirrels could have been camouflaged in those leaves. I drove slowly.

As the pre-frontal cortex navigated the storm-strewn road, Princess Amy, that almond-eyed little gargoyle, was seated at a corner table in the darkened recesses of my mind. She was seated, not too  near the band, of course, where she could keep watch for danger. 

She reminded me that Fox lurked out there somewhere waiting to spring one of his practical jokes. I suspected it would come in the form of a broken limb falling across my path but Amy wasn't so sure. Never know what to expect from Fox was her opinion. 

Amy seemed to overlook the bigger issue, which was that something just as wild and far more dangerous than Fox was out here in this forest. That wild and dangerous thing was me of course.

Most days when Amy is worked up I practice my training as a qigong coach to relieve some of the pressure and keep Amy calm. Take a deep breath I tell her. But today I was in full agreement that the weather forecast was gloomy and full of v-shaped depressions. I speak of the emotional weather. Gale force winds with thunderstorms possible are about how it was lining up.

Duke Integrative Medicine Library

Then I arrived at the Center for Integrative Medicine and entered the library, a work of art in wood, steel, glass, and stone. My body sat in a chair near the windows and waited there for a clinical study coordinator to call for me. 

My mind was immersed in a wonderful, magical experience that had calmed my frantic mind as soon as I walked through the door. Muted light from an overcast sky and the soft notes of a Native American flute enveloped me, the sound of the flute barely audible above the soothing sound of falling water coming from somewhere deep inside the building. 

It was a tranquil refuge from the storm.

My coordinator came into the room with a stack of paperwork and even that didn't faze me. I wasn't ready to quote Ben the Cat when he puts on his magic sunglasses--"The sun is shining. The sky is bright. Birds are singing. Everything's alright." No, I wasn't feeling that good but I did have a sense that although Fox still lurked, I was in a safe place for the time being.

Ben the Cat

Elizabeth, the coordinator, talked to me about the clinical study we'd just completed together, and her voice was soft and strangely alluring. I could have listened to her talk all afternoon. Eventually, the paperwork was complete and Elizabeth offered to give me a tour of the building. 

Of course, we actually looked at all the rooms, even the "practice" rooms where I've already meditated, qigong-ed, and yoga-ed. Then we visited one I didn't know about.

The Quite Room is where acupuncture and massage patients wait to be called for their therapy sessions. It's large and open, two-stories tall with a large skylight that allows natural light to flood the floor space. 

A bamboo forest grows on the floor of the room. Not in pots, mind you. Pots I could understand but these plants grow right out of the floor, which is covered in round, dark gray stones. 

One wall of the room is formed by a sheet of water that falls from the craggy heights of the ceiling and creates a curtain separating the Quiet Room from the administration offices on the other side. This is the source of the sound of splashing water I heard from the library.

The Quiet Room

Elizabeth pointed out a toy panda, sitting amidst the bamboo shoots in the far end of the room. She told me, and I would have believed anything she told me, that no one in Integrative Medicine is sure who moves the panda nor exactly when it's moved, but it's in a new location every morning--even on the weekends. 

This news intrigued me strangely. I felt the need to get to the bottom of this. Do you feel it too? I mean this could be one of those overlooked phenomena that hold the key to fitting Newtonian physics with the quantum variety. I'll look into it and report back.

Well, everything is impermanent, the Buddha used to say, which is one of those annoying announcements, of course, and is the reason why all right-thinking people want to avoid his company. And so was my visit to the Integrative Medicine Center impermanent. I had to leave. 

As I drove away, I was conscious that Princess Amy was much calmer than when I arrived. Her hand no longer hovered over the panic button. That's right, Amy, take it easy. I've got this.

Moonbeam Celebrations

Moonlight, calling to all unsleeping to come out and revel in its pearly luster, poured in the screened porch of Chatsford Hall. It had a magical glow. But to the Genome, much as he appreciates the beaming countenance of Sister Moon, it brought no cheer. 

The cypresses cast shadows across the lawns and gardens and white camellias peeked out of the dark shrubbery with their laughing gnome faces. Still, when I mindfully scanned my feelings, all I found were the emotions belonging to something that has been prepared for stuffing by a taxidermist.

Years of living life on life's terms and practicing Fierce Qigong have prepared yours truly for any catastrophe that comes his way. Like the Russian peasant who endures long, cold winters haunted by hungry wolves and empty vodka bottles, the soul has a hard protective coating. Left alone to his own devices, Genome takes on the appearance of Fate's spoiled darling.

But I ask you, with a week of no sleep and an overactive limbic system, can we wonder that moon shadows make no appeal? As I sat watching a scattering of clouds moving up from the south, a voice spoke to me from the north, saying, "Whatcha doin'?"

It was Sarah Lupe Louise sitting atop the table on the outdoor side of the porch screen. My gaze softened at the sight of her and I felt a soothing sense of relief because this young cat considers the Genome a source of perpetual goodness. You might say that she can't get enough of the Genome bouquet. 

Well, I don't have to tell you how effective is the medicine of the kind heart. It's the stuff to give the troops, if you want my opinion, just before they take the field to face the prowling forces of Midian. It makes all the difference.

"Can't sleep," I said.

"Too bad," she said.

"Want to feed me?" she said doing that little figure eight dance of hers.

"Too early," I said but somehow it didn't seem enough in the way of explanation. "It's only 3:00 AM," I added.

"Oh," she said, and calmly accepting my decision, she sat and began inspecting a paw.

Still looking for a solution to remedy the circumstances that I found so unsettling, I said, "I just don't know what to do."

"Nothing for you to do," she said.

"You think not?"

"Not in charge," she said. 

"No," I said, "I guess I'm not in charge, am I?"

"Jungle cat in the sky," she said.

"In charge you mean," I said, and then, still musing, I asked, "So what's it all about? Why do we bother?"

"Well," she said, "I do my stuff because I'm a cat."

"I see," I said, "You do what you do because it's what you were meant to do. Like dancing. You're a good dancer."

"Thank you," she said, "I also kill voles."

"Let's keep this conversation out of the gutter, shall we?" I said.

"You do human things pretty good," she said.

Something in her words, if they were words, seemed to go to the heart of the matter. I ratcheted up the musing to full-scale pre-frontal cortex stuff and I noticed that the inside feelings were a lot more agreeable.

"Hungry?" I asked.

"I could eat," she said and began doing a passable Electric Slide. 

I entered the kitchen and selected a fine quality New Zealand venison and after bunging the medium dose for the average cat into a bowl, I walked into the garden to give her an early morning snack. 

Life comes hard and fast for cats and for people, maybe even a little harder for cats, and it occurs to me that cats, like people, have little real value when they're sleeping among the stars. So why wait? Might as well celebrate today and what better way to do that than by helping someone else celebrate?

Nothing Remains the Same

I woke this morning to that old familiar feeling of fingers walking up the thigh. You know the feeling I mean. My first thought was that if fingers are ankling up the leg, then the hand doing the walking belongs to the ghost that resides on the third floor of the Inn of the Three Sisters in the Genome's ancestral home of Crystal Cove that lies beside the Blue Ridge Parkway.

Gene Jirlds Copyright 2001 - 2004

To face this ghost requires a steeled resolve if that's the term. Resolve has been in short supply in recent days so I took a moment to muster the will. Be still, I said to Princess Amy. You remember her. She's that almond-shaped cluster of gray cells that sits on her throne in the middle of my brain.

Remembering an old saw I heard somewhere--it may be one of Ms. Wonder's--I gathered what resolve I had. The gag I mention goes something like this (I paraphrase, of course): There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. I took the tide at the flood and, with a burst of resolve, threw back the duvet ready to claim the promised pot of gold or whatever it was the man said.

Not a pot of gold and not a ghost. It was Abbie Hoffman, the white-gloved assassin, my very own American shorthair tuxedo. I wasn't in Crystal Cove at all but home in Chatsford Hall! And it is a good place to be.

Remembering an old saw I heard somewhere--it may be one of Ms. Wonder's--I gathered what resolve I had. The gag I mention goes something like this (I paraphrase, of course): There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. I took the tide at the flood and, with a burst of resolve, threw back the duvet ready to claim the promised pot of gold or whatever it was the man said.

Not a pot of gold and not a ghost. It was Abbie Hoffman, the white-gloved assassin, my very own American shorthair tuxedo. I wasn't in Crystal Cove at all but home in Chatsford Hall! And it is a good place to be.

Remembering an old saw I heard somewhere--it may be one of Ms. Wonder's--I gathered what resolve I had. The gag I mention goes something like this (I paraphrase, of course): There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. I took the tide at the flood and, with a burst of resolve, threw back the duvet ready to claim the promised pot of gold or whatever it was the man said.

Not a pot of gold and not a ghost. It was Abbie Hoffman, the white-gloved assassin, my very own American shorthair tuxedo. I wasn't in Crystal Cove at all but home in Chatsford Hall! And it is a good place to be.

Remembering an old saw I heard somewhere--it may be one of Ms. Wonder's--I gathered what resolve I had. The gag I mention goes something like this (I paraphrase, of course): There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. I took the tide at the flood and, with a burst of resolve, threw back the duvet ready to claim the promised pot of gold or whatever it was the man said.

Not a pot of gold and not a ghost. It was Abbie Hoffman, the white-gloved assassin, my very own American shorthair tuxedo. I wasn't in Crystal Cove at all but home in Chatsford Hall! And it is a good place to be.

I would be misleading my public if I said that the prospects of late have been more than bleak. The birds sang out of tune for a while and I'm pretty sure I overheard the bluebird talking about cashing in and retiring to Miami. But nothing is permanent, as the man said. Was it the Buddha? Shakespeare? One or the other of them seems to say just about everything worth saying. Have you noticed?

The turning point for me came last weekend while attending the sixth-grade performance of The Wizard of Oz, at Carrboro Elementary School. My grandson, River, was one of the production crew and I admit, when the play began, I was prepared to be bored. It didn't happen. No boredom. I could have been in the audience of a Broadway theater. Excellent performance. I highly recommend it if it comes to your neighborhood. It was the beginning of a different way of seeing the world.

Where once the birds seemed to be in an unending argument, today they sing as though Spring were around the corner. Actually, Spring is just around the corner but you know what I mean. I read somewhere that birds bid over the best building sites with their songs. Their little heads are filled with thoughts of homemaking and raising a family. It's a positive outlook and it's contagious. I too have a positive outlook and it's due in no little part to paying attention to birdsong.

Wen, the Eternally Surprised, my once and future martial arts master, taught me that life comes hard and fast and that the prudent person is ready for anything. How to be ready he never said exactly but I gathered that it required acceptance rather than resistance.

Though things came within a toucher of falling apart over the last few weeks, the flame of fierce qigong never died and I was able to extricate myself from the looney bin without a stain on my character. Almost no stain. Very little stain. No stains that won't come out in the wash.

The details of the affair, which my biographers will probably call, "Down the Waterspout at Midnight" are quite involved and need not detain us here. Suffice it to say that knotted sheets did not enter into it. Memories played a big part. That's all I'm going to say about it. Memories of sunshine and blue skies and birdsong. Sometimes memories are all we have.

It's good to be home again. There's no place like it.

In Between Like the Dickens

I believe it may have been Aunt Cynthia who used to say, "Full many a glorious morning have I seen flatter the mountain tops with sovereign eye," and then she would say something about kissing the meadows--all very good stuff--but then things would take a nasty turn and end with the sun getting the hell out of Dodge.

If you follow these little musings of mine from time to time, you will be aware that I insist on living "Happy, joyous and free" but, damn, if it doesn't sometimes seem that the odds are against it with all this impermanence and whatnot. Be happy if you can for as long as you can is my motto. Sooner or later, right in the middle of telling your best story to a rapt audience, you're going to glance down and see that you've gotten your elbow in the butter.

Take this morning, for instance. It had gotten off to an alright start and I had nothing in my heart but bluebirds and happy endings for everyone. Still, though immersed in sunshine, I was all in between. I was not feeling mettlesome, like a charger on hearing the trumpet call. Neither was the heart bowed down by weight of woe. I was feeling not too hot but not too cold, and I'll tell you why. I was faced with a weighty decision. I needed to choose one and let the other go--and go forever. You see the predicament? I didn't know which way to turn.

If you are not a member of the inner circle, then perhaps I can sum the thing up quickly without losing the long-time readership. Pay very close attention because I shall stick to the salient points and avoid the color commentary.

Ms. Wonder and I are launching an online travel magazine. I know! Me too! It seems that for some reason, your guess is as good as mine, we have done magazine work for 15 years. I write the articles and she makes the photos to illustrate my stories. And so we've decided to take the next step and launch our own digital travel magazine.

It will be called Carolina Roads and it will focus on road trips throughout the Carolinas and neighboring states. I think it will be pippin and so do most of my advisors. "So," you may be asking, "if it's so topping, what's the struggle about?" I'll tell you that too.

I don't know if you've had the experience of getting caught bending and having to listen to a character witness who takes your inventory and points out all your defects. Well, you remember Princess Amy, of course, that little almond-shaped cluster of brain cells that bears a striking resemblance to the Red Queen. She's been taking inventory recently and thinks as much of me publishing a magazine as Moses thought of the Children of Israel when he walked in on them worshipping the golden calf.

Her invectives leave me in a heap. Even my sleep is troubled. In last evening's dream installment, I was in a workshop at the local community college and my workshop buddy was T. Chuffler, also referenced in that link in the above paragraph.

The instructor in the dream was about to review our work when I noticed that Chuffler was not among those present and being present was a requirement for the review. When I realized that the classroom was completely empty of Chufflers, I panicked and began running around, waving arms and dancing from one leg to another. I seemed to need nothing more in life than one standard-issue Tiger Chuffler.

My search took me to her house. Instead of going to her front door the way I would if I were awake, I went instead to the cellar door and climbed up to look in the window. Dreams! I know! Do you suppose I saw Tiger sitting at her kitchen table? Of course not. I saw instead the Wild Bill and he gave me a look that left me rooted to the spot because of this patented look of his, to quote Shakespeare, if it was Shakespeare and not the Duke of Orange or the Earl of Bacon, this look "made my knotted and combined locks to part and each particular hair to stand on end like quills upon the fretful porcupine."

A thing I've always noticed is that it's difficult to know exactly what to say when the house owner catches you peaking in a window. I was searching for the right words when I noticed a decanter of tissue restorer in the Wild One's hands and motioned to say that I'd like a cup. He opened the window.

"Help yourself," he said.

"Thank you," I said.

"Although I'm surprised that even you have temerity enough to drink my wine after ignoring me for so long."

"Sorry," I said. "I was away longer than intended."

"What have you been doing with your time?" he asked.

"Well, for one thing, I'm in a workshop with your princess and a solid cosh behind the ears is coming from our instructor if we don't make it back immediately."

"Your photography instructor?"

"That's the one."

"He's about to cosh you?"

"To the core," I said.

"Ahhh," he said, brightening a goodish amount, "Fine man. Good stuff in those Durham Tech instructors."

"Is this my old pal talking," I demanded. "Is this the man who has signed a blood pact to come to my aid whenever I call? Because if it is that man, then he should know that I am sore in spirit and calling for help like the dickens."

He softened perceptibly.

"Tell Bill all about it."

"It's a long story," I said.

"Well, for Heaven's sake, don't go into it now, just give me the salient points."

"I'm in a heap," I said.

"I'll need just a little bit more detail."

So I explained the entire sad story. The lack of moral support as a child; the feeling of emptiness that requires constant staunching; and now the ordeal of taking a photography class with a group of total strangers the day after being deflated like a two-week-old mylar, birthday balloon. He listened attentively and I was relieved to read compassion in his gaze.

"There is a way out of your predicament," he said.

"That's your opinion is it?" I asked.

"The solution is very simple, really."

"And you're going to add, 'simple, but not easy'."

"If it were easy, it wouldn't strengthen the character," he said.

"To hell, with strengthening the c," I said, "I just want out of this with enough of the Genome to be getting on with. What's the solution?"

"Can't tell you," he said, "you'll screw it up."

"I won't."

"Yes, you will. I know these things. Your only option is to keep plodding forward and cross any bridges you come to without looking down."

"How do I know it won't end in a spoiler."

"You don't."

"I know what this is," I said. "I've been this way before.  You're suggesting that I abandon myself to the universe. Live life on life's terms and all that rot. Well, I'm tired of abandoning and whatnot. I want action. I want miracles or magic--I don't care which--and the method has to provide some assurance. Where's the assurance?"

I must have been speaking very, very loudly because when I stopped it seemed particularly quiet and Wild Bill was all smiling.

"You must have me confused with that other higher power," he said.

I understood all. The message was the same one the Amazon mother gave her daughter when handing her the shield and spear and pushing her into the fray. Nevertheless, the temperature near the feet remained coolish and I continued hesitant. I'm not saying that I didn't approve of the general principle, but I wasn't at all keen to act on it.

"Your lack of resolve is understandable. Between acting on a dreadful thing and the first motion..."

I raised a hand. "Not Shakespeare, please, I can't take anymore Shakespeare."

"That state of man, like to a little kingdom, suffers then the nature of an insurrection."

"Oh, all right!" I said. "Hand me the damned spear."

He gave me an inquisitive eye and I said no more, thinking, and I'm sure I was correct in this, that I had said enough. Life comes fast and hard and we must be ready for anything and all that rot. 

I knew of course, as I'm sure you too know, that we were not speaking of a photography class. Not really. What we were actually discussing was the online travel magazine that Ms. Wonder and I are publishing.

I apologized for the interruption and thanked him for his support, although the heart really wasn't in it. Still, I had my marching orders. It was a plan and it was a plan that I could follow. Is there any more to life than that?

Cat Zen

"Poopsie," I said and if I was taking liberties with the familiar form, what of it? I was in a stir and needed soothing. And that soothing I needed immediately. Nothing like that cat in the adage stuff--the one that let 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would.'

"Poopsie," I said, "it's another morning. Can you believe it? Consider the odds, I mean. Wouldn't you think that any day now we should begin without a morning. Otherwise, it's just one damn thing after another. Whatever are we to do?"

"Speaking for me," she said, "I'm on my way into the office and you, if you will follow my suggestion, will complete some of the things on that list I gave you."

"Forget lists," I said, "this is no time to be thinking of lists. Hell's foundations are shaking."

She gave me a look, not thoroughly compassionate but not totally lacking either. Then she said, "What are you talking about?"

"Ms. Wonder," I said, with some topspin, "have you not been paying attention? The world has jumped the rails. We're off the path. Last week, if it could go wrong, it did and now the same is happening this week. Consider Uma for example. She disappears."

"She has found a new hiding place that we don't know about," she said with a sanguine smile, "but she hasn't disappeared into thin air."

"I beg your pardon," I said. "Thin air is exactly what she has disappeared into. She takes a few steps toward the hallway each morning and then poof--gone."

"Not poof--gone," she said.

"Yes, poof--gone," I said.

We stood there for a moment or two, giving each other the eye and sizing each other up. You know how it is when two strong personalities are in close juxtaposition, if that's the word. The atmosphere can somethings get thick.

"Maybe you should try meditating, like Eddy here," she said reaching to stroke the back of the cat who sat on the toilet seat staring into the trash-can, as he does every morning.

"I meditate!" I said. "I teach others to meditate too. That's what I do. I immerse myself in meditation."

"Yes, but Eddy meditates first thing every morning right after breakfast."

"He's just lethargic from eating so much food," I said.

"He contemplates the void," she said still stroking the back of that cat.

"Are you implying that the trash-can and the void are the same?" I asked.

"Think about it," she said. "Everything that goes into the trash-can is considered to be worthless--it amounts to nothing. No matter how much you put in, the contents are always worthless. So the trash-can in that respect represents nothing. Then when you consider that everything is eventually used up or loses it's value and is thrown away, you realize that everything ends up in the trash. Everything becomes nothing. The trash-can, like the void, represents everything and nothing."

I was non-plussed. Wouldn't you have been in the same situation? I mused on this observation for a long moment. This Poopsie Wonder, as I've always said, and as you have certainly found by reading these missives, this Ms. Wonder is amazing. She knows all.

"Do you suppose that Eddy actually contemplates the void intentionally?" I said.

"Probably not," she said, "but do we actually have to be aware that we are meditating?"

"Actually, the essence of meditation of to be aware of nothing but existence," I said.

"Well, there you go then," she said.

"Truth!" I said. And I immediately trained the focus of my attention on trash-cans. I still practice the contemplation of trash cans and their contents. It's not too much different from my former preoccupation of goals and bucket-lists and other such nonsense.

Napoleon or Not

I awoke with that feeling that sometimes comes early in the morning that you need urgent care, or you need to get to Urgent Care in about 3 seconds. I thought I'd swallowed a migration of butterflies but was relieved to discover that it was only Ben's tail. You're familiar with Ben, of course, the Ragga-muffin cat, properly referred to as Beignet. 

As soon as I could breathe again, I bounded out of bed, and seeing a cloud of steam and a small river coming from the salle de bains, I knew Ms Wonder must be within. I desired her thoughts on a subject of interest and so I waded into the stream. A raft of ducks appeared out of the mist and swam out the door and into the bedroom.

Beignet Lafayette

"Poopsie?" I said, directing my voice toward the sound of rushing water.

The torrent of water stopped abruptly and presently a Venus-like form appeared. Two emerald-green eyes gave me a look that made me think that my pajama top and bottom were mismatched but no, a quick glance in the mirror told me that the corn-flower blue pants and the heliotrope t-shirt were parfait.

"What?" I said.

"Why are you wearing Abbie on your shoulder?" she said and I'm blowed if she didn't describe the situation perfectly. I recognized the question, however, as diversionary, and I did not intend to be distracted. I pressed on.

Abbie (Abracadabra) Hoffman

"Oh, it seemed like a good idea at the time," I said lifting the little ninja from my shoulder and placing him on the floor. "If you have a moment, I have something to run up your flag pole."

"Run it," she said in that way she has of moving the story forward.

"Right," I said. "Here it is then, without preamble, having considered this and that, I believe I should stop talking about Napoleon."

Her right hand, which had been meditatively soaping a left arm, stopped abruptly as though the spring had unwound. She made a moue, if it is a moue, where she pushed the lips out and then pulled them back in again.

"I don't get it," she said.

"Simply," I said. "I keep mentioning Napoleon in my blog posts and I think it may be having a disruptive effect on the education of French school children."

"Hold on," she said, "let me get this straight. You've been making negative comments about Napoleon?"

"Of course not," I said. "Who would do such a thing?"

"Some people think of him as a little tyrant," she said.

"Not at all," I said. "An emperor for the little people in my opinion."

 "So you simply reference him in blog posts, perhaps quoting him or mentioning some of his achievements?"

"Well," I said, "I may have mentioned his retreat from the Russian front in a contingency sleigh or perhaps the burning of the French fleet in the port of Cairo but only in the most tasteful and respectful way, you can be sure."

"So what's the problem?" she said.

"Well, it's like this," I said. "I've noticed that whenever I mention Napoleon, that blog post gets a lot of hits in France. I've tried to reconcile this phenomenon and all I've come up with is that French kids are researching their country's history in school and they Google themselves to my blog where I'm sure they're entertained for hours but, unfortunately for them, they gain no useful information for their reports."

"Oh," she said, applying loofah to the left elbow, "I see what you mean."

"I thought you would," I said.

"I think you'd best leave off with Napoleon," she said.

"But only in my blog posts," I said. "I shall continue to follow his example in my plans for world domination."

"Exactly," she said.

"Thank you, Poopsie," I said. I left her soaking in the tub and I went looking for those ducks.

Sagi M'Tesi

The Next Step

I pulled on the leg-bags just as Archimedes, George Washington, and Barak Obama must all have done--one foot at a time. Did Archimedes wear footer-bags? No matter. Ms Wonder tells me that it is the small things in life that make a difference and I'm sure she's not far from wrong because it is immensely reassuring to know that you are in the company of the greats. Then there's the thing about cats. It bucks one up to be in the company of them too, and they are small. Except for Beignet, of course. He's not small is he?

"Well, Poopsie," I said, "how about it?"

Source: Mango Science

During the morning corralling of cats, I had placed her in possession of the latest developments regarding that book. You remember the book I'm working on. It's a guide for coping with the less pleasing emotions--anxiety, depression--that make one wonder why we bother. I can't wait for the book to be published because I know that reading it will change a lot of lives for the better. Maybe even mine. But no matter how many people look forward to the publication, the fact remains that it must get written, and there, as the man said, is the rub. I'll bet it was Shakespeare who said it first. He seemed to have a knack for coming up with catchy sayings. Would have been a superstar in the Marketing Department.

But I was talking about my book. My agent phoned over the holidays to remind me that it's been almost a year since we first spoke of the book. He was expecting to see a draft before now and is pressing me to get on with it. Easy for him, of course. He doesn't have to write the damn thing. Not so easy for me. I feel like the toad must have felt beneath that harrow. If it was a toad. What is a harrow anyway?

"Thought of anything?" I said to the Wonder.

She didn't answer immediately and this silence instilled in me something of the cold hand clutching the heart. What one doesn't want to hear when pressing a trusted advisor for much needed counsel is the still air. I stifled a hollow groan.

I don't know if you've ever had the experience of surprising a mother bear playing in an open meadow with her new-born cub. Me neither. But I can guess the gist of the results. The adrenal glands empty vats of cortisols into the blood stream, the heart races, the breath comes in deep gulps and the face tingles. That's what this hesitation on her part was doing to me now. I fully expected her suggestion, when she finally discharged it, would catch the Genome right between the eyes.

I continued to dress but my heart wasn't in it. I socked the feet with trembling hands, reminding myself that I was enough for anything that life was about to bung my way. The thought helped a little but it didn't completely erase the feeling that the spinal cord had been left in the fridge past the expiration date.

"It may be," I said, hoping to bolster up the spirit, "that you don't have the whole of the situation clear in your mind. Let me itemize the facts."

"The shirt," she said, and I was relieved to hear that she had changed the topic. "One strives for a straight button-line from neck to waist."

"But I have ankylosing spond...."

"There," she said as she tugged on the front of my shirt. "Perfect"

"Thank you, Poopsie."

"Not at all."

"There are times, when I wonder if gig lines matter," I said.

"The mood will pass," she said.

"I don't know why it should," I said. "Without a solution to this problem, my life will be meaningless. Unless something pops up in my morning meditations I will be lost. Solutions do sometimes pop up, don't they? As though out of the blue?"

"Archimedes is said to have discovered the principle of displacement suddenly during his bath," she said as though remembering something her grandmother had told her.

"Was that a big deal?" I said.

"It's generally considered to have been a very important discovery just as it's generally regretted that he was later killed by a common soldier."

"Aren't you confusing Archimedes with the tai chi master who developed the Five Animal Frolics?"

"Hua Tou was killed by a mistrustful army general, I believe," she said.

"Still," I said, "one soldier is much like another but what's all that got to do with my situation?"

"Well," she said,"it couldn't have been a pleasant experience for either of them."

She spoke truth, of course, and I mused on her words. There seemed to be a lesson for me hidden there. I made a moue. I remember thinking how odd it was. It is moue isn't it, where you push out the lips and then pull them back again?

"We do what we must do," she said, "and often the best course of action is to do the next thing in front of us."

"Is that what great men do?"

"Great and small," she said.

"Alright," I said. "Today I'll organize what I have of the chapters and then first thing tomorrow, I'll get started on bringing the book to a finish."

"And deliver it into the agent's hands," she said.

I'm not sure what Napoleon would have had to say about all this but I've noticed that sometimes we find ourselves operating without benefit of a great general. I noticed it now. The room was completely absent of generals. I sighed deeply and resigned myself to finishing the draft of that book. It is, after all, the next thing in front of me.