"How do you rate the new hygienist?" she said when I phoned home to report my whereabouts.
You will remember that we moved to the coast a while back and we're still interviewing the local healthcare providers; doctors, dentists, palm readers, and such. I have a few funny stories about them but this story isn't one of them.
"First," I said, "let me say that she really knows how to use that wand."
"You mean the ultrasonic scaler," she said.
"Do I?" I said. "The thing that vibrates and sends a stream of water into the mouth? Well, she's good with it. Doesn't sting the gums as much as my previous hygienist."
"But it still stings," she said.
"It does a little," I said, "but the point at issues is not the sting but the flood."
"Too much water," she said.
"Let me be clear," I said. "It's not like one of those named storms that frequent the gulf coast. More like the ancient Great Flood that we hear so much about in those YouTube videos."
"It's biblical," she said.
"That's one of looking at it," I said and I immediately returned to the main subject. This wonder woman, as I'm sure you're aware, will get off onto the subjects of wide-eyed cherubims [cherubins] at the wink of an eye."
"When she began working," I said just to get back to it. "it reminded me of the time that Johnny and the rest of the Maple Hollow crew ambushed me with spray-soakers at the water park.
I was about 12 and more immune to the unexpected in those younger years. Still, getting about 4 or 5 soakers in the face will get your attention. I remember gasping and gulping and swallowing about twice the recommended amount of water. And yet, for some reason, I laughed. Can't imagine why now."
"I don't like the sound of that," she said.
"Tolerable," I said, "but then the thing progressed if that's the term, and when she put the vacuum tube in my mouth, I thought of the regulator that scuba divers use."
She opened her mouth as if to say something but I closed my eyes and persevered.
"You remember when we became NAUI-certified as divers we had to learn to clear our mask of water while still under the surface. Every time I tried to exhale into my mask to force the water out, I felt like I was going to drown."
"Just to be clear," she said, "we're still talking about the teeth cleaning and not getting scuba certifications?"
"Teeth cleaning to be sure," I said.
"Sounds horrible."
"Close to the end of the procedure, there was so much water in my mouth, I felt that I couldn't breathe. Suddenly, I remembered the time when, as part of a rite of passage at age 13, I was compelled to dive to the bottom of the lake underneath Armstrong Bridge."
Again, she made an effort to say something but I raised a hand to indicate that there was more to come and then let her have it.
"My mistake was spending too much time on the bottom looking for just the right pebble to prove I'd made it all the way down. Coming back up, I felt an urgent need to breathe, so much so that I thought I wasn't going to make it. I remember thinking, This is it, and that thought was followed by, Is this really all there is?
"Oh no! Then what happened?"
"The short answer is panic! I began pumping my legs and flailing my arms in an attempt to get to the surface as quickly as possible. I remember being aware of nothing other than the pain in my lungs and the bright orb hanging above me that seemed to call to me and keep me struggling toward the surface."
"Was there no one around to help you?"
"Oh, sure, the hygienist and dentist were there doing all they could and several assistants came running to see what all the fuss was about."
"You are!" she cried. "You are talking about teeth cleaning! You didn't really do all that in the dentist chair, did you?"
"Ms. Wonder! I'm surprised that you even question me. You know that I never mislead my public. You have every right to be skeptical, and I'll defend your right to do so, but yes, I did all that and more.
Just you wait until it's your turn in that chair."
"I'm finding another dental office," she said.