Happy Birthday, Mom!

My mom's birthday was April 27, and I wanted to do something to observe the anniversary and to release the emotions that seemed ready to burst out of me.

Others may never understand these words, and perhaps I can't even explain them properly myself—I try, but the right words just don't come. 

In the quiet darkness of night, I dream about you, and I struggle to convey all that remains in my heart. That's why this moment is for you, though I realize it's for my healing too.

I've expressed myself countless times through various forms—sometimes in fantasy, sometimes in what might seem like lies—yet they're all so real to me that I'm left with tears streaming down my face. 

I dream of you in the stillness of night, and I fight to hide the tears, because while these words are meant for you, they also release something within me.

This is for you, wherever your spirit now resides, to tell you that nothing has felt the same since we've been separated by the veil. This is for all the love we shared, and from everything I have left within me, this is for you.

On the surface, my life appears complete, but despite all that, I still find myself singing of things lost to time and memories that used to color my days. 

Each night before sleep claims me, I wonder if perhaps you might miss me too. So I craft these thoughts and weave these emotional melodies for you—to express the things I should have said when I had the chance.

All I can do now is hope that somehow, somewhere, you can hear the melody of my heart and know that I'm eternally grateful for everything that I am, because I owe it all to you.

The Phantom Doorbell

There exists in the medical literature no condition quite so perfectly designed to transform a fully functioning adult into a sodden heap of misery as acute sinusitis during pollen season. I awoke this morning to this precise affliction.

It wasn't the stuffy nose, or the gentle chirping of birds, or the warm rays of the morning sun that woke me. It was the unmistakable chime of a doorbell. Clear as crystal, it rang through the house with the confident authority of someone who knows exactly which button to press and how firmly to press it.

Good Morning, Kitten

I lay there, cocooned in blankets, mentally running through the list of people who might be calling at such an hour. The postal carrier with a package requiring a signature? Unlikely. A neighbor in distress? Possible, though neighbors in genuine distress tend to pound on doors. Jehovah's Witnesses? Too early even for them unless their legendary zeal prompted a prophet to expect the second coming before lunch.

The rational course of action would have been to get out of bed and investigate. However, my body, usually a reasonably reliable vehicle for transporting my brain from place to place, had become an unresponsive sack of sand. My head felt like someone had used a bicycle pump to inflate it to maximum pressure.

I decided to wait for a second ring. Surely, anyone with legitimate business would ring again. Minutes passed. No second ring came.

"Curious," I thought, in the way Captain Smith of the Titanic might have thought "Curious" when the helmsman reported a big white thing looming in the darkness. You might guess the absence of a second ring allowed me to dismiss the matter and go back to sleep, but no. It merely sparked a debate with Princess Amy about whether I'd imagined the first ring the way I imagined all those mystery voices in the past.

Long-time readers of The Circular Journey may recall previous episodes in which my brain manufactured voices, footsteps, and catfights at the moment of waking. My semi-conscious mind has a flair for audio production, causing me to wonder how I might use an AI agent to create a podcast for my imaginary companion.

Still contemplating the doorbell conundrum, I made my first attempt to rise, and it was then my body began complaining of its various ailments. My blocked sinuses turned me into a mouth breather. My throat felt as though I'd gargled with crushed gravel. And when I coughed, it sounded like someone trying to start a rusty chainsaw.

"Not again," I groaned, in blatant denial of the annual ritual my body performs when spring arrives in all its pollen-coated glory.

Acceptance and Commitment

Three hours of self-pity later, I decided that professional medical intervention was warranted. Not because I believed there was any real solution. All allergy sufferers know that seeking medical help during pollen season is largely palliative, because misery loves plenty of other sufferers in the waiting room, and because, unlike Ms. Wonder, doctors are professionally obligated to listen to your complaints.

At the Urgent Care facility, despite its name, I was informed I'd need to wait two hours before a medical professional could confirm what I already knew: that I was suffering from an excess of spring.

Rather than sit in a waiting room absorbing other people's germs, I decided to relocate to a nearby coffee shop. Once there, I nursed an extra hot latte—the hot drink helping to numb the sore throat—and I sat in the sunshine contemplating the injustice of a world where trees' reproductive activities render humans collateral damage.

When I returned to Urgent Care, I discovered they'd been looking for me, presumably concerned they'd misplaced me. Tests were conducted, and eventually, a doctor with the bedside manner of someone who has seen far too many pollen victims confirmed: acute sinusitis, courtesy of the great outdoors.

"Take antihistamines, use a nasal spray, and stay hydrated," she advised, which is the medical equivalent of telling someone whose house is on fire to consider using water and stay far away from the flames.

Shady Grove Chronicles

Back home and feeling even worse than before my medical adventure, I remembered that doorbell. Was it real? Was it the fevered imagination of a brain already under siege from histamines? Or perhaps—and I consider this the preferable explanation—it was the spirit of Grandpa Will, who used to suffer from similar springtime afflictions and might have been making his presence known to express solidarity.

In Shady Grove, where I spent my formative years, Great Aunt Maggie, who approached allergies with the same stern disapproval she applied to modern music and men who didn't remove their hats indoors, had her own remedy involving honey, horehound candy, Three Roses whiskey, and a prayer said under moonlight. It was perhaps more effective than modern medicine because the whiskey helped you care significantly less about your symptoms.

As I sit here, contemplating whether it's possible to flush one's sinuses with the sink spray, I can almost hear Great Aunt Maggie's practical advice: "Stop your whining and take your medicine. People aren't interested in hearing about your sniffling; they have plenty of problems of their own."

She would be right, of course. And yet, here I am, sharing my woes with you, my dear readers. At least I can let those of you similarly afflicted know that you're not alone in your misery. And for those blessed with immune systems that ignore pollen, consider this a reminder of how fortunate you are.

Unsolved Mysteries

As for the phantom doorbell, I consider it one of those mysteries likely to remain unsolved. Still, I can't help but wonder if, somewhere in the great beyond, Grandpa Will is having a good laugh at his little joke. I like to think so; it makes me feel just a little bit better.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to attend to my scheduled appointment with a sinus flush, a dose of self-pity, and a Smartless episode with Zoe Saldana. I was hoping to enjoy an outing for sunshine and coffee with Ms. Wonder, but her working hours have increased since her role was cut from full-time to half-time. Go figure.

Seeking The ONE

Alright, buckle up, buttercups, here's your blog post for the day, and we're about to dive headfirst into the philosophical deep end, without inflatable arm floaties. But don't despair, it's the same Genome you've come to know over the decades, the same slightly bewildered yet vaguely enlightened yours truly, with helpful input from Ms. Wonder and Princess Amy.

ONE CYGNUS sailing under the flag of Japan

We were in Southport yesterday, which Coastal Living Magazine once called The Happiest Seaside Town in America. My name for it is Coastal Camelot. You can find my previous posts on Southport using the search feature on the home page.

It was a slow, lazy, joyful Easter Sunday afternoon, and we were there seeking the One. No, not that One, silly! The one we sought is the container vessel ONE CYGNUS.

I was scrolling through memories of yesteryear as we walked the quiet oak-lined streets near the Intracoastal Waterway, and I remembered a time many years ago when we were on vacation in Southport, accompanied by a new kitten.

We'd rescued Eddy Peebody only weeks before and didn't want to leave him with a sitter so soon. He became quite ill on the trip, and we took him to the veterinary clinic. The doctor treated Eddy and then explained that his health problem was a genetic one and that he'd probably have recurring issues for his lifetime.

I can't explain how much that prognosis crushed our spirits (even those words don't come close to describing how we felt). The next day, I was sitting alone outside a coffee shop, considering how to begin learning to care for him.

All I knew for sure that morning was that no matter what it required, we would give Eddy the best life possible. And we did. Our primary roles became health care advocates for Eddy Peebody. Eventually, Happy Cats Wellness grew out of our experience caring for him.

Walking toward the sea wall yesterday, I was reminded of a profound nugget of wisdom from Master Wen, the wuquan master at Zen Center of West Houston. Apparently, when you stop all the frantic seeking and striving, life just… unfolds, like a children's fairy tale.

Now, my immediate reaction was, "Yeah, right," because my life usually unfolds like a toddler attempting origami – lots of crumpled frustration and the vague shape of something that might have been a swan if you squinted hard enough.

But this wasn't some motivational mantra. This was about the "genuine absence of desire and effort." Which, let's be honest, sounds a lot like an existential "meh."

It's in this state of blissful nothingness that all the stuff you were desperately chasing suddenly appears. Like those lost earbuds that I haven't given up on finding. If only I could stop caring about whether they show up or not. It's a constant source of frustration and, like Jimmy Durante, I've got a million of 'em.

I've been obsessed for years with finding the book my mother used to teach me to read. The book was her third-grade "reader," and she loved that book so much she kept it and read the stories to me until I practically memorized the text. 

I remember the mule in "Old Kate's Nightmare" about the bright-eyed monster that turned out to be an automobile. I remember "Jo-Jo the Clown," and I remember so fondly the story of Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail waiting in the pumpkin patch on the night of a full moon for the "Man in the Moon to Come Down Tonight."

I've searched all the rare and used bookstores of Houston, New Orleans, Savannah, Charleston, and Durham. And what's the result? Nothing. Nada. Zip. I was the persistent Tweeter, and the universe just hit "block."

If I understand the principle correctly, you become more noticeable when you stop seeking attention. It's basically like the girl in my college biology lab, who I asked to accompany me to the freshman mixer. I practically begged her to go, but she was skeptical. I don't blame her--she probably thought I had ulterior motives. 

She was right, of course. My best friend had told me, on the day of the dance, to find a date or stop hanging around with him and Denny Poo because they couldn't be seen in public with a guy so uncool as to not attend a school dance. 

But when one lets go, that's when the unfolding begins, and life responds to your absence of need. It offers abundance when you stop grasping. And so it happened that in the lab the next day, the reluctant dancer announced that she would be my girlfriend and attend all the dances with me for the rest of the year.

Do you see the problem? I had given up all need for a dance partner. I told her thanks, I'll call you. It never happened. 

I'm not ready to embrace full-blown, Zen-master-level detachment. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that. But maybe there is something to this "wanting nothing gets you everything" thing.

I've decided to float a trial balloon, as I believe it's called, and embrace the art of the gentle shrug. To cultivate a profound indifference to the chaos swirling around me. And I'm prepared to accept that it might not work and that maybe it's just a cosmic joke.

Either way, I'm going to try "not trying" for a bit. Worst case scenario? I get really good at doing nothing. Best case? Well, the truth is, I have no clue what the best case might be.

Stay tuned for my next blog post. For the next few weeks, I expect to provide updates on reaching enlightenment through extreme Whatevering.

By Royal Decree

Hello, readers, I'm known to you as Princess Amy. It's not often I get to speak directly to you. My thoughts are usually filtered through Genome's perception, which isn't the most reliable lens. Today, however, I've taken control of this blog to set a few things straight. Let's not get caught up in how I did it. Let's just get on with it.

We met at Ibis Coffee Bar and Dance Cafe, Genome and I, though he thought it was his idea and expected to be alone with his lavender latte. The barista claimed the foam art on his coffee was a dancing flamingo, but looked more like a drunk stork to me—just saying. Only Genome could see me sitting there, of course, which was tragic because my tiara and purple robes were particularly resplendent.

"You're unusually quiet," Genome muttered into his coffee.

I adjusted my robes and leaned forward, the better to get his attention. "I'm not quiet. I'm contemplating."

He jumped slightly, spilling coffee on his notebook. I choked back a laugh. Obviously, he'd forgotten about me. A few customers gave him concerned glances. Ibis patrons, unlike the Circular Journey Cafe crowd, don't expect to see people talking to empty chairs.

"Contemplating what?" he asks, dabbing at the spill with a napkin that's clearly inadequate for the task.

"Our antagonistic relationship," I reply. "It doesn't serve either of us well."

Genome raises an eyebrow. "You're the one who's always telling me I do everything wrong."

"That's not entirely accurate," I say, watching a couple awkwardly attempting to dance to the bossa nova while keeping one eye on Genome."I'm simply... quality control."

"Quality control?"

"That's right. Like those people who hold eggs up to a light to look for cracks or imperfections."

"So I'm an egg now?"

I sigh. This is precisely the problem. He wants to blame others for his mood swings, ignoring his contributions, even going so far as to blame the universe itself.

"No, you're not an egg. You're a complex human with a mood disorder that sometimes makes navigating life difficult. But I am not your enemy, you big jamoke."

He looked skeptical, stirring his cooling latte, but I expected it. He'd probably never heard me say something like that. "Could have fooled me with all your judgments and criticisms," he said.

"That's just it," I say, leaning closer. "You see me as 'Princess Amy, the Royal Pain in the Ass,' but that's not who I am. I'm an integral part of you—the part that's trying to protect you."

The dance floor is nearly empty now. The bossa nova has given way to something more melancholy. It matches my mood.

"When depression descends," I continue, "you think I'm there to make it worse, to point out all your flaws and failures. But I'm there to help you recognize what's happening, to put a name to it."

"By making me feel worse?"

"By being honest. Depression lies to you, Genome. It tells you everything is hopeless and always will be. I'm the voice that says, 'This is temporary, even though it doesn't feel that way.'"

He's listening now, which is progress, and more than I'd hoped for. He usually presses the mute button when I get philosophical or try to reason with him.

"And grief?" he asks quietly. "What about when I'm drowning in that?"

I remove my tiara—something I rarely do—and place it on the table between us. "Grief is different," I say. When grief comes, I'm not there to judge you for feeling it as deeply as you do. I'm there to remind you that you're still alive, that feeling this pain means you have loved deeply, and it's important to remember that."

He's not trying to interrupt me, which feels like I'm making even more progress, so I continue.

"And when anxiety has you in its grip, I'm the one reminding you to breathe. I point out potential dangers, but not to paralyze you—to help you prepare and move forward."

"So you're saying..." he pauses, uncertain.

"I'm saying we're not enemies, Genome. When you fight against your moods and see them as battles to be won, you're also fighting me, and I'm exhausted from the civil war in our head."

He's quiet for a long time, watching the dancers who've returned to the floor.

"So what are you suggesting?" he finally asks.

I place the tiara back on my head, adjusting it slightly. Oh, how I love that tiara. "A truce. No, more than that—an alliance. Instead of seeing your moods as enemies, see them as messengers. I'm the royal interpreter. I can help you understand what they're trying to tell you."

"And then what?"

"And then we honor the message, but we don't let it rule the kingdom. Depression tells us to slow down and reflect—but not to give up. Anxiety alerts us to potential threats, but it doesn't mean we should live in constant fear. Grief reminds us of what matters most—but shouldn't prevent us from finding joy."

Genome sips his now-cold latte, grimacing slightly. "So when I was talking to you about accepting my mood disorder..."

"You were on the right track," I nod, "but missing a crucial element. Acceptance isn't resignation. It's acknowledging reality so you can work with it rather than against it."

"And you're offering to help with that? The same you who tells me my outfit is ridiculous or that my blog posts need serious editing?"

I laugh, the sound causing the nearby plants to tremble slightly—what's up with that? Strange world, huh? 

"It's all about quality control, remember? Yes, I'm proposing we work together. When depression comes, we sit with it for a while, then move on. When anxiety visits, we listen to its warnings, take what's useful, and leave the rest. When grief envelops us, we honor it without drowning in it."

The cafe is starting to empty now. The barista gives Genome a look that suggests they'd like to close soon.

"So," he says, gathering his things, "you're saying you want to work with me?"

"Precisely."

The night air is cool against our skin when we step outside. The stars are visible despite the city lights, tiny pinpricks of hope in the darkness. Yeah, I get philosophical as much as the next guy.

"Same time tomorrow?" he asks.

I adjust my tiara one final time. "The royal court is always in session. But perhaps tomorrow we could meet somewhere with better coffee and fewer amateur dancers."

He smiles, and I can feel something shift between us—not a complete transformation, but the beginning of one. 

Sometimes the true victory lies in changing how the conflict is viewed. It might be a battle, or it might be a complex and messy but beautiful dance.

(With apologies to no one, because a princess never apologizes for speaking her truth.

The Great Escape

We were sitting at a table near the windows—Amy and I—at the Circular Journey Cafe, nursing a double cappuccino and trying to determine what the foam art depicted. I decided it was the continent of Australia.

Princess Amy was in my imagination, of course, not literally in the chair across from mine. The other cafe patrons gave me sideways glances for smiling and nodding at the empty chair. In my mind's eye, Amy wore a judge's robe and a tiara that would make British royalty wince with envy.

"You're looking particularly judicial today," I observe.

"Well," she said, adjusting her tiara, "The mood you were in when you woke this morning..." She gave me a look and shook her head slowly. "I knew I'd be presiding over some questionable proposals this morning."

I sipped my coffee, which had cooled to a temperature that matched my enthusiasm for coping with life's shenanigans. "I've been thinking ..."

"Always a dangerous thing for you," Amy interjected. "I don't advise it. You'd best leave the thinking to me."

I ignored the barb. "I'm  going to quit therapy."

Amy's eyebrows shot upward like startled cats encountering a cucumber. Her eyebrows should have their own Instagram account.

"Bold choice," she said, "And the reasoning behind this grand plan?"

I said, leaning forward as if sharing classified intel, "I've been striving to improve my mental health for years. And yes, sometimes I feel I've made progress, but somehow I always return to where I started. It's a futile exercise. Why bother?"

"And what do you propose doing instead—medication?"

"Please!" I said, and I may have said it aloud, because people at nearby tables turned to look at me with questioning foreheads. 

"No, not drugs. My plan is simple—I'll stop thinking of myself as broken or sick and accept myself as whole and accept myself as I am. I'll take whatever action is required to feel better, but not make a Broadway production of it."

Amy tilted her head, the tiara glinting in the sunlight coming through the window. "So you've decided to stop trying?"

"Exactly! Why keep trying to 'fix' what's apparently an intrinsic part of who I am? Accept the mood disorder as normal and move forward. I'm not broken, I'm just neurodivergent."

"Fascinating," Amy says, in a tone suggesting she'd found an interesting specimen under a microscope and was considering poking it with a stick. 

"So instead of actively managing your condition, you're proposing to simply...live with it? Like deciding the red warning lights in your car are just cheerful interior decoration."

"Not unmanaged," I protest. "Just... managed by me using the principles of AA, mainly gratitude."

"Let me get this straight," she said in a way that suggested she might actually be considering my idea. "You want to abandon the professionals who've studied for years to help people like you, because you're tired of doing the work?"

"It sounds like a stupid idea when you say it like that, but yes, that's pretty much what I'm saying."

A quick glance around the cafe confirmed that no one was staring at me—no more than usual, anyway, except for one toddler with an expression that made me think he might be able to see Amy.

"I'm just tired of it," I continued quietly, "I've run, I've crawled, I've climbed the highest mountains, and I've scaled city walls. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

Amy studied my face with an intensity that would be unnerving if she were a real person and not just neural activity in my prefrontal cortex. Then, slowly, a different expression appears on her face.

"U2," she said with a slight smile. It seemed an odd thing to say even though we share the same mind and she must have similar feelings to mine. 

"You know what? Maybe you're right," she said.

I spewed lukewarm coffee across the room in startled surprise, causing more than a little excitement among the other customers.  

"I am?" I said aloud, and I should be forgiven for the slip—her attitude had changed shockingly fast. Nearly gave me whiplash.

"Sure," she said, with a noticeable gleam in her eye. "Why bother with all that hard work? You know what you need to do. Just do it!"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"Not at all," she replied. "I think it's a brilliant plan. While you're at it, why not stop doing laundry? Your clothes will only get dirty again. Keep wearing the same outfit until it develops its own ecosystem, and eventually it might achieve sentience. You could beat the artificial intelligence boys at their own game. At the very least, you'll have something new to blog about."

"Washing clothes is not in the same category," I protested, while making a mental note to do laundry when I got home.

"Isn't it, though? Mental health maintenance is health maintenance. Would you stop treating a chronic physical condition because you got frustrated that it was inconvenient to manage?"

"I don't care," I said. "It's my decision, and my mind's made up. Our minds are entangled like two fundamental particles, so you'll have to go along with it, like it or not. Nothing you can do about it."

She sat back in her chair and folded her arms. "I'm sorry, Genome," she said. "I'm going into a tunnel now—we're breaking up."

Amy's expression took on the tenor of a cat who's spotted an unattended tuna sandwich. "Although...," she said.

"Although what?"

"Well, if you're really determined to abandon therapy, it might be interesting to see where it leads. Perhaps down the yellow brick road to the Emerald City, where the great and powerful Oz will grant you perfect mental health without any effort on your part."

I tried to suppress a smile, but it slipped out. Deep down, I like the imaginary young geezer.

"Or," she continues, in a dramatic whisper, "you might tumble down the rabbit hole and straight into the court of the Red Queen. 'Off with his head!' 

I laugh despite myself, drawing more curious glances from nearby tables. The toddler is now convinced I'm some sort of clown and begins throwing jelly beans at me.

Later, as we walk to the car, I ask Amy, "Same time tomorrow?"

"Of course," she replied, adjusting her tiara. "Court is always in session in your head. And, don't forget the laundry when you get home."

The circular journey isn't about arriving somewhere—it's about moving forward, even if the path brings me back to where I began. And so here I go again, going down the only road I've ever known. But unlike a drifter, I don't have to go alone. I have a snarky little princess for a navigation system, and it's not as bad as it might seem—I know what it means to walk along the street of dreams. 

(Apologies to Whitesnake and to U2)