So It Goes

Well, here we are again. You're probably tired of hearing it--Ms. Wonder's undoubtedly fed up. I know this because her reaction, when the subject comes up, is something like Shakespeare described as the poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, glancing from heaven to Earth, from Earth to heaven. Not a direct quote but you get the idea.

I apologize if you're bored with the subject, but it's not like I enjoy it either. It reminds me of the time Niles asked Frazier what he thought of the tassels on Nile's new loafers. Frazier said he never cared much for tassels and Nile's said:

"Never have I and yet there they are."

But enough of the preamble. Here's the thing that's bugging me. I've described Amy as the red queen in Alice but it occurs to me that sometimes she takes a line through Captain Bligh of the Bounty. After her practical jokes leave me in a heap on the floor, she has her minions put me in a small rowboat with nothing but a loaf of bread and a bottle of water and then set me adrift off some remote island.

Not literally, of course. But the result is the same; I feel helpless and hopeless.

That's where I am today--adrift and alone. At least alone emotionally. I mean to say that Uma Maya, the feline Empress of Chatsford, and Sagi M'Tesi, the caramel-colored tabby, are here with me to comfort and console. And Ms. Wonder is with me, despite her frenzied eye-rolling.

I want to make it clear that I don't blame Princess Amy. Not her fault. She was born before she got her fair share of self-control. She simply cannot resist pushing red buttons. It's just unfortunate that her curiosity often leads to the Universe getting her knickers in a wad. Unfortunate, yes, and yet, to paraphrase Niles, there they are... wadded knickers.

In another Frasier episode, he told one of his callers (paraphrasing): You're mourning a loss, but it isn't for what you think. What you really mourn is the loss of the life you thought you'd have. 

Bruce Springsteen's song, Glory Days, puts it into context for me and makes me realize that when I'm mourning the life I thought I'd have, instead of creating a new life that works, what I'm actually doing is trying to relive the glory days. 

In other words, I'm trying to recapture a little of that past glory but it never works out. Instead, I'm left with the realization that time slips away quickly and leaves me with nothing. That's why the only solution is to follow Frasier's advice and create a new life with new memories, memories that are closer to home and much more real than the glory days.

And so, that's what I'm doing--starting life over. Not for the first time, mind you. I've done it before, several times, which is why you and a few others are tired of hearing it. But I'm not giving up.

Billy Joel says in his song, And So It Goes, In every heart, there is a room, a sanctuary safe and strong, to heal the wounds from [our past life] until a new one comes along. And so this time, in my quest for a new life, I'm taking refuge, not in the glory days, but in the strong, safe sanctuary in my heart.

Don't fret for me. I'll not abandon my loyal readers. I'll be here and I'll do my best to keep it upbeat. Be safe and well, my friends. And don't forget to leave comments. They help more than you can imagine.

The Russian Doll

For some time now, I've felt as though I'm caught in a time loop, like that Netflix series, Russian Doll, in which the heroine repeatedly dies and then wakes the next morning to relive the previous day. Unfortunately for me, the series ended before the writers explained how she escaped.

Frustrating isn't a strong enough word to describe my circumstances. Maddening comes close. Even writing has become a struggle and writing this blog is the one thing that I could always count on to make me feel better.

I've tried many different ways to change my situation, but no matter how hard I try, blah, blah, blah. Know what I mean? Futile. A bust. Pffththth! Like the man said in his best-selling book, one familiar to us all, 

"...for what I would, that I do not; but what I hate, that I do."

I know! My life story, for the nonce. But hey! Those who know me best, know that I refuse to eat pine needles. Not familiar with the term? It's an Inner Circle thing. If you're new here, you might want to search the blog posts for that phrase, "eat pine needles."

Now, I'm all too familiar with what Rumi says in his poem, The Guest House. It's something along the lines of, 

"Being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, 

comes as an unexpected visitor.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond."

I try to follow this advice but it never seems to end well. Like the star of that TV program mentioned above, I die each night and wake up to the same day all over again. Well, my friend, let me be clear about where this guide from beyond has led me. It's like this:

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! I'll still welcome them at the door and invite them to make themselves at home but damn if I'm going to join them for tea.

Now, I don't have grandiose plans and I'm not overly confident. I have no idea about where all this is going to lead and I don't make any promises or make any predictions. But I'm going to practice Fierce Qigong like the dickens because something's got to give.

Many thanks to everyone who's stuck by me this far, especially you. To quote Ms. Wonder, "I've said it before and it's still true...I don't know what I'd do without you."

Like A Rock

My brain is trying to gaslight me. I think Princess Amy wants me dead and is trying to distract me with a hullabaloo of insanity, the easier to make me step in front of the number 14 bus.

Not going to happen, Universe, or whatever your real name is. I developed Fierce Qigong and I know how to use it. When I was six and the schoolyard bully would humiliate me by trying to force me to eat pine straw in front of our schoolmates, I stubbornly refused.  I will not eat pine needles, I told myself. (We called them needles instead of straw.) 

My Rock

I didn't eat pine needles then and I have no plans to begin now.

Much later in high school, I was introduced to the poem that Dylan Thomas wrote for his dying father, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night: 

"Do not go gentle into that good night; 

Rage, rage against the dying of the light." 

Although Dylan was specifically writing about death, I've embraced the message of the poem and applied it to those thousands of little deaths that confront me.

Fierce Qigong is the bundle of practices and principles that grew out of the stubborn refusal to eat pine needles, and my tendency to rage, rage against my feeling of powerlessness in the face of life's inevitable difficulties.

Now, if you're a member of the community here on The Circular Journey, you should brace yourself because I'm going to reference sacred scripture in the next few paragraphs. I know! Who'd a thought it? Don't reach for the remote just yet, the payoff is colossal. You're going to love it.

In his 18th Psalm, the psalmist tells us:

"...my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge."

And now, thanks to a spiritual awakening on my morning walk, I have a new ally. I finally have what Alcoholics Anonymous calls a higher power and what many of you call God. Yes! I have my Rock! And here comes the punchline, just like David, if that's his real name, I too take refuge in my Rock, my higher power. Selah.

I've known this particular rock since I first moved to the coast over a year ago. Every morning I come to Brunswick Forest for a walk in the pines and every morning this rock meets me here, to remind me, despite what the Buddha claimed, that there are constants in this funny old world, a few things that can be relied upon to remain true.

It's a theme that pops up throughout the first half of the bible. In Deuteronomy 32:4 we read, "He is the Rock, his works are perfect and all his ways are just."  Again in 1 Samuel 2:2 we're told, "There is no Rock like our God."

Perhaps because of this scriptural influence, or perhaps simply due to an intuitive awareness of the spirit of Rock, it seems universally recognized by humans that rocks are one of the few strong, enduring elements of our world. I assume it goes far back into prehistory when rock was a necessary material for tools and weapons. People depended on rock for their very lives.

And now you see why my Rock has become my higher power. I need that solid, constant, power to keep me grounded and supported. I'm happy about this new revelation. I think it's the perfect partnership because "his works are perfect and all his ways are just."

Do I plan to start a new religion? No. One religion is as bad as another. No reason to think that I can do better. I'll simply think of my practice as the Way of the Rock. It'll be my shamanic practice. Ha! I'm a shaman now! I'll incorporate the Way of the Rock into Fierce Qigong!

If you'd like to join me in the Way of the Rock, then follow the updates that appear here on The Circular Journey. Until then, here are a few ideas that I think are suitable for a beginning. From Bob Seger's song, Like A Rock:

"Like a rock, I was strong as I could be, nothin' ever got to me...chargin' from the gate, carryin' the weight...hard against the wind, I see myself again. Like a Rock."

Those words describe beautifully the stubborn resolve that has always characterized Fierce Qigong and now provide a springboard for the Way of the Rock. Ain't Life marvelous?

I want to express my appreciation to Paul Simon for his song and the title of this blog post. If you know the song, sing it! If you don't know the words, find the song and play it! That song is another rock of mine. I have lots of rocks. Drop in sometime and let my show you my rock collection.

Year of the Tiger

You probably will be a little surprised to hear me say it, and it's something I don't like to say, but I can think of no other way to express how I'm feeling. I'm pissed!

You know all about Princess Amy by now and you know that I try to take all her shenanigans in stride--keeping the chest out, the chin up, and the upper lip stiff. It's how my father taught me to handle the disappointments of life. 

I had come to believe that I'd reached an age of decline, an age of degeneration; an age of failing. It was a bitter pill after a full life of exercise, martial arts, constant movement. This state of despair was brought on by Princess Amy, of course, but you knew that already.

Recently, remembering to face my fears like Mump's mom taught me, I've had a change of attitude: I now see my age as one of fulfillment, one of completeness, one of attainment.

And so, dear reader, I will no longer feel lost and forgotten, I will instead face the Sewer Harpies full frontal -- no not full frontal because in that there is loss; I will instead face them obliquely and use their energies to rise above them. 

You may not remember the Harpies. It's been a while since they figured into one of my missives. When I say Sewer Harpies, I refer to the Morrigan, the three sisters who mess about with the well-laid plans of mice and men. Mabd, Macha, and Nemain are their names and heinous ranygazoo is their game.

Well, I'm tired of the same old story repeating itself like a scratched LP. I've had it. Enough is enough. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. 

Gird your loins for battle. Today we take on the Sewer Harpies in the first step of executing my Evil Plan for World Domination.

This year, 2022, is The Year of the Tiger in Chinese reckoning and it will be The Big Year for Genome. Stay with me. Follow this blog closely and, if you sometimes encounter the same obstacles that I face, you could benefit from some of the principles that I practice. I joke around a lot but going forward I will outline the principles more clearly. You will be amazed. 

Fierce Qigong! 

Pump The Volume

For several years now it's seemed that I'm living the same day over and over, like that Amazon TV series, Russian Doll. It's as though raindrops keep falling on my head every day. I know that Rumi tells us to welcome all who come to our door, but hey! I don’t like it! I've become filled with anxiety, depression, and hopelessness.

I realize that may all sound terribly tragic. You may think my dreams are shattered like Napoleon's must have been after all that unpleasantness at Waterloo. But please don't think it's as tragic for me as you imagine it would be for you or Napoleon. 

You see, I'm diagnosed by those who do that sort of thing with a condition that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual calls Bipolar Type II, Mixed-State, Rapid-Cycling. All it means, of course, is that I'm often depressed, anxious, and hopeless. It's just a normal part of my life. Makes me think of the words often attributed to Frank Sinatra, "it ain't no good life, but it's my life." Like that.

On second thought, those words of Sinatra's are song lyrics, aren't they? 

No one can get used to feeling that way but one can become resigned to it and that's been my condition ever since my mother died three years ago. It wasn't so much her death that threw me into this mental state as it was the fact that I'd been her full-time caretaker for several years before her passing and when she left, I discovered that I had no purpose and had lost touch with what I wanted from life.

Well, that's sort of interesting...I've never noticed how much my life parallels Napoleon's. Except for the Emperor part.

I've struggled for those three years with trying to find a purpose and a bien ettre, as the French might say, but for some reason, I didn't do the things that I knew would help. I allowed life to get in the way and to distract me from the principles I'd learned in my mental health recovery. I believe this reluctance, or avoidance, is part of the disease.

Recently, I've seemed to become more awake and to realize that I do have a marvelous life. I have a superb partner in Ms. Wonder, who I'm sure you've met by now. She has an amazing brain, probably because she eats so much fish--salmon being the number one constituent--and you know what all those omega-3 fatty acids can do for the brain, especially the EPA and DHA.

In addition to sharing the house with Wonder, I have the cats, who have done more than you can imagine to keep the Genome upright and balanced. Perhaps the word "distracted" would be the mot juste. 

I also live near the coast now and the ocean has always been my spiritual home. I have lots of free time for running up and down Ocean's Highway and experiencing the joy of the open road. This open road motif figures strongly into my Evil Plan for World Domination--more on that as it develops. Stay tuned, please.

So if life has been improving, albeit slowly, why so glum, Genome? Ah yes, that's where the rug burn happens...Princess Amy.

Yep, that defective little tyrant in the middle of my brain works ceaselessly to point out all the nasty aspects of living in a world dominated by humans. Chances are that you live in a world dominated by humans too. It seems to be another of those pandemics that are so popular today, but one that doesn't get as much recognition as the others. 

This doesn't mean that my plight (yours too?) is hopeless. Not at all because I have a secret weapon. I can't tell you what it is here in this post because I don't want the Morrigan to know the details of my Evil Plan. But if you're interested in hearing more about it,  leave a comment below and we can discuss it over coffee.

Though I can't speak of it in concrete terms, I can give you a metaphorical hint. Remember the raindrops that keep falling? Well, I recently had me a talk with the sun, that slacker, and I mean a big talk with impressive topspin. I let him know that I didn't approve of his inaction. Sleeping on the job is how I put it to him.

Still, those raindrops keep falling and I know I'm never gonna stop them by complaining. That's where my secret weapon comes in handy. Fierce Qigong, I call it. Again, can't give you the details just yet but my childhood mantra, "I'll never eat pine needles," is the core element. 

That mantra may be new to you. I don't speak of it much. It's an inside thing that simply means crying's not for me. You see, I know that the blues they (the Morrigan) send to meet me won't defeat me. It's never long before happiness steps up to greet me. 

That's essentially all you need to know about Fierce Qigong. And to be frightfully honest, there may be a few tears involved but certainly no wailing and gnashing of teeth. Nothing like all that outer darkness ranygazoo.

In those darker moments, I simply get a steaming cup of Jah's mercy (coffee), get out onto Ocean Highway in Wind Horse with the windows down and the volume turned up to 11. That'll fix anything.

When I'm feeling better about life, I get Mumps on the phone and we clearly identify each of the problems caused by earthlings and the options our alien shepherds should consider to fix them. And when I say "fix them," I mean the problems and the earthlings, of course.

Wow! I surprised myself with this one. I actually revealed the essentials of Fierce Qigong for the first time and I went a long way to establish context for my Evil Plan. That pleases me because I always want to offer something of real value to my tribe and you are a very important tribe member.

Thank you for giving me some of your attention today. Now, before closing, I'd like to offer my sincere apologies to Hal David and B. J. Thomas.