Mindfleet Below Decks E1: Crew Evaluations

Author’s Note: While the senior officers of the GMS Coastal Voyager are busy being "legendary," on the mental bridge of my limbic system, formerly known as my mind, the junior-grade officers on the lower decks are busy having nervous breakdowns. It's a common pastime.

At 0700 hours, every junior officer’s PCD shrieked in Neon Pink Comic Sans, the font reserved for mandatory compliance and psychological warfare.

Crew Eval-Protocols Commence Immediately
Emotional Integration (40%)
Crew Cohesion (40%)
The Unresolved Incident Review (20%)
Note: Failure to participate results in automatic demotion.

Ensign Regret stared at the screen until the pixels burned into her retinas. She found Ensign Anger in the mess hall, where he was aggressively stabbing a pile of lukewarm scrambled eggs.

"They know," Regret whispered, sliding into the booth.

"They don't know," Anger snapped, though his left eye was twitching.

"The 'Unresolved Incident!' It can only mean that time we accidentally swapped the Captain’s personality matrix with a sentient toaster. The bridge smelled like burnt sourdough for a week!"

"That was a hardware glitch!"

"You threw the toaster out the airlock, Anger. That’s a 'humanware' glitch."

The Paranoia Corridor

As they hurried to their duty stations on Deck 7, they spotted Captain Amy and First Officer Reason lurking near a maintenance hatch.

"These performance levels are offensive," Amy barked. "I’ve been patient long enough. I want these useless dregs purged before we begin the evaluations."

"Agreed," Reason replied. "I'll speak to Chief Engineer Anxiety. He will know what to do with them without violating the Prime or any other directive."

Regret and Anger froze. "We’re the dregs," Regret whimpered.

"They'll not assign me to the deepest pit of Engineering," Anger hissed. "I'll resign my commission first!"

Do you think she could be talking about the ventilation filters?" asked Regret. "Do you think the filters have exhausted her patience, Anger?"

The Assessment

Later, Regret and Anger were scheduled to meet the evaluator, Commander Clarity, in a room that was entirely too white and smelled suspiciously of lavender and judgment.

"Ensigns," she said, her voice like a cool breeze that makes you realize you forgot your jacket. "Tell me about the incident. You first, Regret."

Regret cracked immediately. "It was all my fault! I wavered! I over-processed! I made the toaster feel inadequate about its browning levels!" She covered her face with her hands.

Anger slammed his fist down. "Blame me!" he said. "I used 'Percussive Maintenance' on a sentient appliance! I'm a disaster, but I will not go quietly into the darkest reaches of Engineering. You can turn me into space dust first!"

Commander Clarity looked blindsided and remained quiet for an uncomfortable minute or two, blinking too often and too quickly.

"I was actually referring to your failure to file a 'Deep Space Litter' report after an unidentified toaster was reported drifting past a viewscreen on the bridge."

She slid an official-looking document across the table with malicious grace and explained, "You were recorded on by the security imaging system tossing the toaster into an airlock, so there was never any question; only the lack of a report from you." Silence filled the evaluation room for several million picoseconds. "However," she eventually said, "Your self-reported 'Humanware Glitches' are fascinating."

The Verdict

Immediately, upon being dismissed by Clarity and entering the passageway, Anger stepped in front of Regret and demanded, "You didn't file a litter report! You told me that you did. Why oh why did you lie about it?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know why. I guess I hoped that no one would notice a missing toaster; not even one that takes requests for pop songs while it browns bread."

"Yeah, well, because you didn't want to bother with a report, we've been ordered to spend 20 hours in group therapy with Dr. Downer."

"At least we aren't assigned to Engineering," Regret said, trying to be optimistic and failing so hard she pulled a muscle.

"Dr. Downer?" Anger whispered, his face turning a shade of gray usually reserved for moon rocks. "The man whose therapeutic motto is 'It’s probably going to get worse'?"

"Do you think it's going to get really bad? I mean, we might enjoy it. We might even learn to work together without bickering."

"Enjoy it? I've got news for you, Regret. There's a sign on Dr. Downer's door that says, 'Bring your own tissues. Dr. Downer does not believe progress is made inside your comfort zone."

Captain Amy's Resolution

On the bridge, Captain Amy sipped her coffee with a rare expression of delight on her face.

"Lieutenant Reason, Engineering finally got things done properly. That 'Ensign-Grade' coffee has been replaced with an exceptional roasted blend that has been married to a new, sentient espresso machine; far superior to the old coffee replicator."

"Yes, Captain. The performance levels are back to 'Legendary.'"

"Superb!" said Amy. "I don't have the patience for more bad caffeine."

Down on Deck 7, Regret and Anger shared a silent, relieved cafeteria muffin; one made from recycled ground coffee beans. They were headed for Dr. Downer’s office, and they were headed there together.