It was the kind of place where the sketchy-but-legal world of bail bonds collided head-on with the outright fraudulent, darkly comic schemes of a rogue real estate broker. The air carried the musty aroma of whispered arrangements, questionable offhand comments, and a shared commitment to maintaining plausible deniability.
The Three-Ring Circus
The business sat on Georgia Avenue, high on a bluff overlooking the Tennessee River. It was a strategic location, only a few blocks from the city jail, which gave it a distinct competitive edge in the “bonding out” business.
Originally a private residence in the 1940s, the building had since been carved up into a nesting doll of businesses. The front door opened into the realty company’s reception area, a depressing room outfitted with scarred imitation leather and folding chairs. Gayle, the receptionist, sat at a desk that might as well have been a fortress built to repel irate clients.
A door behind Gayle’s desk led to Otto, the broker and landlord for the other tenants. Another door, centered on the back wall, opened into Scooter’s bail bonds office. Scooter was a longtime friend from high school and college, and he was the one who invited Pooh and me to sublet the small room off his office.
To get to our desks, we had to run a daily gauntlet: enter through the realty office’s front door, greet Gayle and explain our presence as we passed through reception, nod to Scooter while threading our way past the ex-cons who frequented his place, and finally slip into the storeroom—our “office.”
The Nuts and Bolts
Originally a private residence in the 1940s, the building had since been carved up into a nesting doll of businesses. The front door opened into the realty company’s reception area, a depressing room outfitted with scarred imitation leather and folding chairs. Gayle, the receptionist, sat at a desk that might as well have been a fortress built to repel irate clients.
A door behind Gayle’s desk led to Otto, the broker and landlord for the other tenants. Another door, centered on the back wall, opened into Scooter’s bail bonds office. Scooter was a longtime friend from high school and college, and he was the one who invited Pooh and me to sublet the small room off his office.
To get to our desks, we had to run a daily gauntlet: enter through the realty office’s front door, greet Gayle and explain our presence as we passed through reception, nod to Scooter while threading our way past the ex-cons who frequented his place, and finally slip into the storeroom—our “office.”
The Nuts and Bolts
Our small room held two small desks facing each other. It was otherwise crammed with the literal collateral of the bail bonds trade: televisions, VHS players, sets of sterling tableware, a velvet painting of Elvis, and a startling collection of George Foreman grills. Otto kept a personal stash back there too: a few guns, some ammo, and a box of regulation handcuffs he’d scored on eBay. Curiously, our “office” also had a small back door hidden behind a Japanese shoji screen, in case we ever needed to disappear in a hurry.
The amenities were few but serviceable: a tiny bathroom that Gayle miraculously kept spotless, a coffee maker she kept perpetually hot and full, and a box of maple-frosted Dunkin’ doughnuts that she had shamed Otto into providing every morning. She hid the doughnuts in a different spot each day, but always let Scooter, Pooh, and me know exactly where the treasure was buried.
The Cast of Characters
The amenities were few but serviceable: a tiny bathroom that Gayle miraculously kept spotless, a coffee maker she kept perpetually hot and full, and a box of maple-frosted Dunkin’ doughnuts that she had shamed Otto into providing every morning. She hid the doughnuts in a different spot each day, but always let Scooter, Pooh, and me know exactly where the treasure was buried.
The Cast of Characters
Daily entertainment came courtesy of the steady rotation of Otto’s “real estate” clients. Their conversations were impossible to ignore, drifting into our small room on a warm front of cheap cologne, bad decisions, and sweaty desperation.
I distinctly remember the woman in the ancient fur stole asking about the replacement value of a hypothetical “missing” heirloom, accompanied by a man who specialized in appraising things at suspiciously high valuations. But the character who really deserves his own credits sequence was a man known only as “Spoon.”
Spoon never introduced himself, and no one ever saw him enter; he simply appeared. He was usually dressed in jeans, an ill-fitting blazer, and work boots. One afternoon, after a hushed, intense meeting behind the closed door of Otto’s office, Spoon emerged and addressed the reception area with the weary professionalism of a man headed to a boring corporate seminar.
“Well,” he said with a deep sigh, shooting the cuffs of his shirt like a CEO addressing the board, “I’m off to park a man’s car on the tracks of that railroad crossing out in St. Elmo.”
He walked out without waiting for a reply. The whole scene lasted ten seconds, leaving Pooh and me in a state of synchronized, silent dumbfoundment. It confirmed everything we’d suspected about the nature of Otto’s “work” and left us pondering the difference between a defense of plausible deniability and simply being very, very convincing.
The Danger Zone
I distinctly remember the woman in the ancient fur stole asking about the replacement value of a hypothetical “missing” heirloom, accompanied by a man who specialized in appraising things at suspiciously high valuations. But the character who really deserves his own credits sequence was a man known only as “Spoon.”
Spoon never introduced himself, and no one ever saw him enter; he simply appeared. He was usually dressed in jeans, an ill-fitting blazer, and work boots. One afternoon, after a hushed, intense meeting behind the closed door of Otto’s office, Spoon emerged and addressed the reception area with the weary professionalism of a man headed to a boring corporate seminar.
“Well,” he said with a deep sigh, shooting the cuffs of his shirt like a CEO addressing the board, “I’m off to park a man’s car on the tracks of that railroad crossing out in St. Elmo.”
He walked out without waiting for a reply. The whole scene lasted ten seconds, leaving Pooh and me in a state of synchronized, silent dumbfoundment. It confirmed everything we’d suspected about the nature of Otto’s “work” and left us pondering the difference between a defense of plausible deniability and simply being very, very convincing.
The Danger Zone
Pooh and I left that office after only a few months and relocated to Houston. Not long after, Scooter called. He had tracked a high-value FTA—a defendant who had “failed to appear” in court—to a residence in Houston. Scooter was on the hook either to haul the guy back to court or kiss his bail money goodbye. He explained over the phone that he wanted Pooh and me to help him apprehend the “skipper.”
When Scooter showed up and asked for a meeting to discuss the plan, I wasted no time defining my role in the operation: “I’m not going, Scooter. If you get shot, you’ll need to crawl out to the sidewalk, because I’m not coming inside to retrieve you.”
He looked genuinely wounded. “I thought we were friends,” he said. “I’d walk on fire for you. I’d bitch-slap the devil for you. You wouldn’t catch me sitting in a car while my friend goes into the danger zone to uphold the law of this great land!”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t back you up,” I countered, leaning into the peculiar spirit of our friendship. “I’ll be right behind you, ole buddy. I’ll be so far behind you, I might as well be in Louisiana.”
I don’t know whether he ever took the FTA back to Chattanooga. He never spoke of it again, and I didn’t ask. Sometimes it’s best to simply never know. However, the episode confirmed a vital life lesson for me: while some friends are willing to walk on fire, I’m perfectly content to maintain a safe, astronomical distance from the flames. It’s a policy I rely on to this day. I recommend it highly.
When Scooter showed up and asked for a meeting to discuss the plan, I wasted no time defining my role in the operation: “I’m not going, Scooter. If you get shot, you’ll need to crawl out to the sidewalk, because I’m not coming inside to retrieve you.”
He looked genuinely wounded. “I thought we were friends,” he said. “I’d walk on fire for you. I’d bitch-slap the devil for you. You wouldn’t catch me sitting in a car while my friend goes into the danger zone to uphold the law of this great land!”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t back you up,” I countered, leaning into the peculiar spirit of our friendship. “I’ll be right behind you, ole buddy. I’ll be so far behind you, I might as well be in Louisiana.”
I don’t know whether he ever took the FTA back to Chattanooga. He never spoke of it again, and I didn’t ask. Sometimes it’s best to simply never know. However, the episode confirmed a vital life lesson for me: while some friends are willing to walk on fire, I’m perfectly content to maintain a safe, astronomical distance from the flames. It’s a policy I rely on to this day. I recommend it highly.
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