The Anti-Anxiety Plan

I'd awakened just seconds earlier, wondering how I would spend the day, only to be approached by the little glob of gray cells I call Princess Amy, emerging from deep within my mid-brain.

“Okay,” she said, “what’s your plan? And don’t bother repeating all that nonsense you’ve been mulling over; I’m already familiar with it. I know everything that goes through what you jokingly call your consciousness. It’s the things hidden in the depths of that koi pond of your subconscious that elude me.”

"Things? What things?" I asked with genuine concern because, as I said to Amy, "No one told me about any so-called things."

"Never mind! Don't get your knickers in a wad over it. Just tell me how you think you can ease your anxiety. And I've heard about your plan to live in a fantasy world, so forget that."

“I’m not living in a fantasy world,” I said. “I’m writing my own story. Someone—someone with real credentials, though I can’t recall who—once said that the stories we tell ourselves become the lives we lead. Not fantasy lives, but lives we truly want to live. So I write about my actual daily life, shaping the stories in ways I can embrace. In this way, I’m the author of my own life.”

"And, how do you cope when things go wrong?"

"Things don't go wrong, silly girl; I get to distribute happy endings all around."

She considered my words for a meditative moment. "But events in the real world don't always go as planned, do they? What then?"

"I simply treat it like a plot twist and fit it into the story. By the way, let's find another way to refer to the anxiety-filled world. It's not the REAL world--it's just as exaggerated as the stories I write."

"Well, put," she said. "You seem to be making something resembling progress. You may be salvageable, after all. But how confident are you in your progress? Do you feel satisfied with where you are, what you've achieved? Can you be content with where you are now, without feeling driven to constantly make more progress?" 

Amy," I said, "with more confidence than I usually feel when negotiating with her, "I’m not in jail, not in a mental hospital, and I'm still on this side of the grass. I’d say I’m in a good place."

"I'd say you're in paradise," and her words were followed by eye-raisings from the both of us.

"Last time we spoke, you said something about my ticket to freedom from emotional tyranny is to reconnect with Joy and Optimism, and someone else...let me think, who was it?"

"Reason," she reminded me. "All in good time. First, we need to make sure you're not getting distracted by all the righteous indignation you've accumulated in your solar plexus chakra."

"I don't know about chakras, but I know this conversation we're having feels different from any I can remember having with you before."

"Chakras are only a figure of speech. And this conversation is different. I've always maintained that everything I do is done for you, you big jamoke, but the difference this time is that you're actually paying attention."

"By the way, this Reason you mentioned; anything like Mr. Spock?"

"Funny you should ask," Amy said. "She's very much like Spock; more than you can imagine."

I laughed, and for the first time in memory, I felt that Amy and I were partners in my mental health.

Getting Better All The Time

I sat down at my laptop this morning, coffee in hand, ready to begin documenting my latest project. I'm calling this one, The Great Self-Improvement Project: Getting better one day at a time. I'd done my research, highlighted my notes, and was feeling particularly braced about the whole endeavor.

Yes, I am aware that Bertie Wooser maintains that just when a bucko is feeling top-notch about the day, Fate is around the next corner, strategically placing banana skins near the storm drain. But we Genomes do not easily lose our mettle.

I opened a new file and began creating my manifesto. 'Self-improvement,' I typed, 'is the act of making oneself a better person in every facet of life, by improving and enhancing one's knowledge and character by one's own effort.'

'Oh, please,' came Amy's voice from somewhere behind my left ear. "Did you just write something about 'every facet of life'? Baby, I AM every facet of your life. Good luck improving me."

I was determined to keep my composure and ignored her with fierce determination, if that's even possible. My fingers flew across the keyboard as I wrote, 'Meditation is one of the most powerful tools for developing honest self-awareness, and my years of Zen meditation have taught me that self-improvement must begin with self-awareness.'

"Zen meditation?" Amy snorted. "You mean sitting on the floor, staring into space, doing nothing while I'm in here planning my next reality TV pilot? That's not self-awareness, that's self-denial. I'm the one who's actually aware of what's going on in here."

My fingers hovered over the keyboard. Something about her tone stirred my curiosity, but past experience warned me to ignore her, and I pressed on. 'Self-improvement almost always starts with self-awareness and developing the ability to transform attitudes, thinking, and habits.'

"Transform what now?" Amy interrupted. "Listen, genius, I'm in charge of your attitudes, and my thinking is that this is just another of your big plans that will fizzle out in a day or so. And you know I'm right; you just don't want to admit it."

"What is wrong with you this morning?" I asked. "You're far worse than usual. Are you upset that we're not going to Ocean Isle today?"

"I'm merely living in the moment," she said. "Doing my best to keep you in line, and since you asked, there's nothing wrong with me, which is why I don't need a self-improvement program."

I took a deep breath and began typing again. 'If we are to become better at anything, we must develop the ability to be rigorously honest in assessing our attitudes.'

Amy's voice returned, but suspiciously sweet for a change. "Oh, you want rigorous honesty? Here's the honest truth for you, baby: You're sitting here typing up self-improvement plans while I'm literally the part of your brain that sabotages everything. I'm the fox guarding the henhouse."

I grimaced at the thought but forged on: 'Forget about striving to reach goals...' I wrote, but my mind suddenly went blank. There seemed to be an idea or a realization trying to surface from the depths of my mind.

"You're not paying attention, Genome. I'm the one who can help you, and without my help, you're powerless. Watching you ignore me and write your master plan is more entertaining than binge-watching the Naked at Work television series!"

I moved on to the final section of my plan: 'I've found smart, science-backed self-improvement guides on the Internet, but information on the web can be confusing, contradictory, and just plain wrong.'

"Finally!" Amy exclaimed. "Something we agree on! The internet is full of contradictory garbage. Just like this plan you're typing up. You're literally using your brain to make plans that your brain is going to sabotage."

'You must be able to 'rightly divide the word,'' I continued typing, 'but you can't do it alone. You will need help from an impartial guide—not a friend; not a family member; but a truly impartial person who is willing to work with you.'

"Impartial guide?" Amy's voice turned calculating. "You know what you need? You need a good manager. Someone with vision who understands the entertainment value of your inevitable failure. Someone like... oh, I don't know... ME. I could be your self-improvement consultant. For a small fee, of course."

I stared at the screen, realizing that somehow, in trying to document my path to betterment, I'd just given Princess Amy her next business venture.

"I get too much help from you already," I said. "And your help is no help at all."

“Oh, but I’m not talking about my own personal services. I have connections with the people you really need to hear from if you’re serious about becoming a better person. In fact, you’re already connected with them, but you usually ignore their advice and respond to anxiety instead.”

Despite her sarcasm, she managed to hold my attention. I asked, “Amy, what exactly are you talking about—if you’re talking about anything at all?”

"Have you forgotten all the program teachings you learned when you were sobering up? You were supposed to get to know yourself. You already have all the answers you need inside you. Your problem is that you're caught in the anxiety spiral."

"Anxiety spiral?" 

"That's right," she said. "You were taught from an early age, just like everyone else, to activate a spiraling, self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety. The anxiety keeps spinning and accelerating without any awareness on your part because it all seems normal.

"Your ticket out of that spiral is to reconnect with some personalities from your past. With my guidance, you can engage with Reason, Joy, and Optimism, my colleagues here in your limbic system, which I like to call my command console, by the way.

Once we do that, you'll be able to make some real progress on self-improvement."

"Amy, I know better than to listen to you, and yet, something in what you say makes sense. Do I dare trust you?

"Oh, baby," Amy purred, "you have no idea how much fun this is going to be for me. But don't worry—I'll be here every step of the way, making sure it's never boring for you. Trust me, I'm an influencer."

"This," I muttered to myself, "is going to be a longer journey than I thought."

Progress Update

Recently, I found myself at a crossroads, faced with an important decision. I'd avoided it as long as the Universe would allow, or so it seemed. Have you had the same experience? Have you ever had to make up your mind?

As I say, I could put it off no longer, and a choice was required. The thing would have lasting effects on the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about that Robert Johnson or Bob Dylan kind of crossroad. I don't plan to make a pact with Satan or Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, Iblis, The Tempter, The Adversary, Ash-Shaytan, or Old Scratch. 

I understand why you might be questioning the Genome sanity, if any, especially if you read that piece I posted recently about my Evil Plan for World Domination. That little missive could confuse anyone, really. Let me take a moment to explain the Evil Plan, and then we'll get back to the decision that could shake the earth's foundations. 

First of all, the Plan isn't really evil. At least I don't think so. You may think differently, of course, and if you do think differently, please leave your thoughts in the comments below.

 My plan is intended to become my personal path for escaping fear, depression, and anxiety for good. I did it once. At least I thought it was for good, but here I am again up to my neck in the soup.

Oh yes, for several years I was sitting on top of the world with a rainbow around my shoulders, being serenaded by bluebirds. But that was then. I'm not there now. The bluebird has left the stage, the rainbow has evaporated, I slid down the lines of longitude, and I've been wandering along a muddy logging road for the last few years. 

You probably know all about that, if you've been here with me,  and I want you to know that I'm eternally grateful for your support. 

My personal adversary is a trinity made up of Pandemic, Politics, and Princess Amy. I can't do anything about any of those, can I? I'm powerless to stop them just as I was powerless over alcohol and drugs. But there is a solution. I know there is because many other people, people like me, have found it, and I will find mine too.

The idea of an Evil Plan didn't originate with me. The credit and the attribution go to Hugh McCloud, the author of a book titled Evil Plans: Having Fun on the Road to World Domination. It's an excellent book and I recommend it highly to anyone who feels stuck in a rut and would like some help getting underway again. You can learn more by visiting his website at GapingVoid.com, but please don't go there now. Read the rest of this post first.

So the decision that I'm facing is the one that will either get me back on top or leave me in a heap on the floor until the End of Days.

As I say, I've felt lost and out of place for the last few years, and I'd like to change that. I realize that action is demanded--proper steps through the proper channels is the way P.G. Wodehouse phrased it--and for the record, I've taken steps, plenty of them, really I have. The problem is that I always remain in the same place; no progress and no changes.

In my baseline recovery program, I'm told that repeating the same actions while expecting a different result is a type of insanity. Makes sense to me. Reminds me of the results of a study that found that most people, when faced with setbacks, do more of the same thing, hoping for a breakthrough, or else they accept defeat and settle for what they already have.

I don't accept defeat (I usually phrase this as I don't eat pine needles, but that's a subject for another post.)

Did you notice that I skittered off the road and am back in the ditch again? Me too. Let me get to the point and wrap this up. And thanks again for being with me. Your attention makes all the difference.

The punchline is that I'm making a new plan, and to get it started, I'm following that old admonition that the Round Table Knights were given when they began their quest for the holy grail, If you find a path in the enchanted forest, ignore it! You must make your own path.

When I put all this mish-mash through the colander, what comes out is that I must take action, and I must take action that I've never taken previously. I'm not sure what the right action will be, and so I plan to follow the advice of my old school pal, McGoo. Do something even if it's wrong. Maybe that's where the evil part comes in.

Stick with me. I'm having a little trouble getting started, but I promise to stop repeating myself and start getting results. You'll read it first right here.

About The Circular Journey

"We are here to find meaning. We are here to help other people do the same. Everything else is secondary."

~~ Hugh MacLeod's "The Hughtrain Manifesto."

That quote is taken from Mr. MacLeod's book, "Evil Plans," which I've discussed in a couple of previous postings. Full disclosure: the plans he talks about are not 'evil.' In that book, MacLeod discusses ethical marketing and the ideal relationship between marketers and consumers. 

Personally, I found his manifesto to be a guide for living harmoniously with others. My aim in paraphrasing his work is not to alter the original meaning, but to remove the marketing context and focus solely on the human-to-human connection. 

Overlooking the marketing-customer language, the takeaway for me is as follows:

We humans want to believe in our own species. Belief in humanity and human potential ... excites us, and we want people in our lives who make it easier for us to believe in one another.

If you aren’t on board with this idea, MacLeod says, "better hire a consultant in Extinction Management" because from now on, your life pivots squarely on your vision of human potential.

At the time of writing this post, I've been blogging at The Circular Journey for nearly two decades. Over the years, the blog has served different purposes. Initially, it served as a journal to help me cope with yet another relocation and change of employment. Later, it became a tool to help cope with my mood disorder. The blog continues to help me fine-tune my mental health, but now that I'm no longer consumed by emotional storms, I enjoy documenting my new life on the coast, a life that has turned out better than I expected.

Everyone lives in their own unique world. Whether it’s the high-tech environment of NASA, the academic rigor of Duke University, the artistic coffee shops of bohemian Wilmington, or the rural life in Shady Grove, we each shape and adapt these worlds to fit our needs—sometimes even adjusting our lives to match the worlds we imagine.

The first few years of this decade were especially challenging for me. My mother passed away at the end of 2018, and then COVID-19 arrived with the start of 2020. 

After months of caring for my mom and then her sudden demise, I drifted aimlessly, without purpose, useless, and unnecessary. During the pandemic, we often heard the term ‘essential personnel’ used for people with necessary skills and responsibilities. I felt anything but essential.

When we moved from Durham to the coast in December 2020, the combined impact of feeling non-essential and having to adjust to unfamiliar surroundings led me into depression. The added stress of the political turmoil intensified my anxiety. It was not a pleasant combination.

In my recovery program of choice, we learn that emotional pain can be a powerful motivator. Eventually, I reached my limit and made a commitment to pull myself out of the depths of bipolar disorder once again.

During my darkest days, I experienced a sudden, life-changing realization. One afternoon in my therapist’s office, Dr. Coast asked what it was about blogging that obsessed me so. Out of the blue came the words, ‘We all tell ourselves stories about our lives and cast ourselves in the role of hero. Whether we see ourselves as winners or losers, we always give ourselves the starring role.’

Unlike most people, I don’t narrate my life as it happens. Instead, I make mental notes and later transform those moments into blog posts. This approach lets me craft a more thoughtful and detailed story than I could with a spontaneous, real-time account. I write my own life—and I always give it a happy ending.

It works for me in ways I never thought possible. I recommend it highly, and it doesn't require writing. We all tell ourselves stories intended to explain and make sense of our lives. I believe the key to creating a meaningful, purposeful life is to consciously and intentionally craft stories that allow you to do what you love, and to do work that actually matters. All it takes is the willingness to experiment and persistent mindful practice. 

I believe it's one of the best things we can do with the limited time we have on earth. Along the way, you’ll meet incredible, like-minded people, doing what they love, becoming who they were meant to be, and helping others do the same.

Happy Daze

I woke from the dream in that particular state of confusion that follows a deep Sunday afternoon nap, when you're not entirely sure what year it is, let alone what day. 

Untangling myself from the sheets, I stumbled to the window and looked out, checking to see if the world still made sense. The familiar sight of Wynd Horse in the driveway, along with the neighbor’s endlessly barking terrier, was reassuring. What a dream!

Thoughts of the dream continued to play out in my mind as I made the first coffee of the day. She had appeared at my driver's side window like a roller-skating carhop girl at a 1960s drive-up burger house. It was Princess Amy, of course.

"What the hell?" I thought. I knew I shouldn't have eaten those nachos.

"Have we somehow quantum jumped into Happy Days?" I asked. Remember, it was a dream, after all, and stranger things have happened, especially when fresh jalapenos are involved.

"I'm not happy about it myself," she said. "You think I enjoy roller skating in cut-off blue jeans? I'm going to be a reality TV queen; I must maintain some dignity."

"But I didn't make the choice to be here, you did," I shot back, and I meant it to sting. 

"What choice?" she demanded, "You made the decision to eat fast food--something you haven't done since 1979. What were you thinking?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I insisted. "Do you really think I was making decisions in 1979? I never made a single decision before January 12, 1991."

"Well, someone did, or we wouldn't have gotten to 1991 in the first place."

"So what is this then? Why am I parked in front of a Burger Barn, and why are you dressed like a carhop? Is this supposed to be The End you're always harping about?" I said. "Is it finally happening?"

"You're the one who keeps talking about the end," she said. "And what do you mean when you say, 'it's happening'? What's happening?"

"Judgement Day and all that," I said. 

I don't know why this conversation was taking place, even though it was a dream. As far as I could tell, it had no bearing on anything in my waking life. But then nothing seems to make sense in my dreams anymore.

"Don't be silly, Sherlock," Amy replied. "We seem to be in the 1960s, and we know that life on Earth continues until 2025. This isn't the end of anything."

"It's 2025 in another universe," I said. "We seem to have branched into a different and stranger universe. Apparently, we've become entangled in some wave function collapse, and now, here we are, trapped in a world where Ms. Wonder hasn't yet been born."

I felt a sudden onset of despair. "She's the stuff that makes life outside the Garden of Eden a paradise. Without her, anything might happen at any moment."

“There’s nothing we can do but wait it out,” Amy said, a note of desperation creeping into her voice. “If we can hang on, Wonder will eventually be born, grow up, and make everything right again.”

Then she gave me a look I’d never seen before—one of pure defeat and resignation. Even though it was just a dream, that look still haunts me as I write this.

“Yes, that’s true,” I replied. “But that’s years away, and anything could happen before she gains her full power.”

“You have a point,” Amy said, pausing dramatically. At last, she broke the silence.

“So, what can I get for you?”

“Sorry,” I replied, realizing I’d drifted off and missed something. “What did you say?”

Amy pulled an order pad from her back pocket and a number 2 pencil from behind her ear. “What would you like to eat?” she repeated.

“Are you kidding? You really think I can eat at a time like this?”

“Of course,” she replied confidently. Taking a deep breath, she managed a small smile at the corner of her mouth. “Remember the first rule of Fierce Qigong: No striving; let life unfold on its own terms.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks for the reminder,” I said, beginning to feel a little better myself. “I’ll have the cheeseburger, some fries, and a Pepsi.”

"Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi," she said with a grin.

When I woke, I realized that my dreams aren’t getting stranger—they’re just becoming more honest. Even in a quantum-shifted universe where Ms. Wonder hasn’t been born yet and Princess Amy is serving burgers on roller skates, one fundamental truth remains: when faced with the collapse of reality as we know it, humans still order the cheeseburger and fries.

Some things, apparently, transcend even wave function collapse. And yes, I have an obligation to my public to be completely forthcoming about that too."