For months now I've been chevied by sewer harpies in the earnest manner of Snowball, that terrier belonging to Patrizia Miani, the girl next door. You probably remember that on the above occasion, the end result was embarrassment, humiliation, and ruin.
Something has to be done about it. Driving to my weekly rendevous with the representatives of Wilmington's quality, I was rehearsing my intention of giving Princess Amy a piece of my mind.
As I crossed the Cape Fear Memorial bridge, I happened to glance downriver toward the port and was dumbstruck. Although the morning was bright and clear at my latitude, a dark wall of thunderstorms was emerging from the Atlantic and heading my way.
When Amy saw the cloud, she sounded the alert. "Faster, faster, faster," she shouted while jumping up and down like that little buffalo bird I wrote about in a previous post. She paused only long enough to warn me to get to Castle Street ahead of the storm.
I remember thinking that her warning was intended to keep me from getting soaked in a downpour. Just goes to show you, that life isn't always what it seems.
By the time I parked, the sky had darkened all around. I rushed to the door of Native Grounds and saw Lupe and Claudia sitting at a table near the window. Before I could open the door, the shadow darkened around me and I felt something tugging at my jacket, pulling me back toward the street. I swerved around and swiped at the thing with my umbrella then I lunged toward the cafe, threw open the door, and fell inside.
"What the hell!" said Amy.
"Calm down, old girl," I said. "We're safe now."
I quickly moved to the table where my two young friends were watching me, wide-eyed.
"What the hell!" said Lupe.
"The darkness is getting full of itself," I said.
Claudia was up, looking out the window. "It seems perfectly quiet now," she said. "The darkness has passed and it's sunshine and blue skies everywhere."
"For the time being only," I said.
"I don't understand," said Lupe, "Amy's shenanigans are usually inside jobs, right?"
"Who's Amy?" asked Claudia.
"Not, Amy," I said. "Asher."
"Who's Asher then?" said Claudia.
"Asher!" said Lupe. "Charlie Asher? You mean this is the work of sewer harpies?"
"What're sewer harpies?" said Claudia, becoming more insistent with each question.
"Yeah," I said, "they've been following me ever since I crossed the Cape Fear bridge."
"Hey!" cried Claudia. "Remember me? What are you guys talking about, if anything?"
Lupe and I looked at her. Her wide blue eyes didn't register the wonder and excitement that I expected. Instead, they had a sort of glazed look that might come from drinking bourbon instead of coffee. They seemed to say, I'm out of here as soon as I find my car keys.
"You should probably explain," said Lupe.
"My thoughts exactly," said Claudia.
"I'll get a refill," said Lupe as she left us and moved toward the spot marked with an 'X' on the cafe map.
"It's a long story," I said to Claudia.
"Well, that's unfortunate," she said, "but I'm not going outside anytime soon," she said with another searching glance through the window, "so let's have it."
"It all began when I was recruited to be Death's assistant," I said.
"Did you say, death's assistant," she said.
"It's the mythological Death," I said. "With a capital D."
"And you're his assistant?" she said but not with any real sincerity.
I paused to marshall my thoughts. One doesn't want to rush into an explanation when one is aware that there's a high probability of being considered what my mother referred to as a nut case. After all, there are times when even I don't believe it's true.
"Like Santa's little helpers?" she said.
"Not exactly," I said. "Here's the deal. You see, Death's real job is to help the soul transition from one person--the one who recently clocked out and the next person in line to assist the soul on the path to ascension."
I looked for some sign that she was following the gist. I was concerned for her because her eyebrows were raised to maximum height and I feared they might be stuck there if something wasn't done soon.
"Wait," she said. "Is this a joke? "If not, then first I need to know why I should believe any of this. I mean, I did see the shadow, looked like some big bird. And I saw you flailing around on the sidewalk."
I opened my mouth to clarify but she hadn't relinquished the floor.
"Start at the beginning," she said. "How did you get involved in all this and why should I believe any of it. But before you start that, I'd better get another cappuccino and bring Lupe back to the table so she can interpret for me."
And with that, she left me. I was unaware that a blog post would result that would become the first to be continued in later posts. And that post, dear reader, is this post.
I'll link all the related posts in chronological order so that you can follow the gist, unlike poor Claudia. Without the links, this post written in the past and the rest of the posts written in the future may become discombobulated and then where would you be?
If you get lost, just leave a comment on any post you happen to stumble across and I'll come find you.