Last Fling of Summer

"The creature of the lake is proving to be one heckofa challenging assignment," I said to Ms Wonder as we prepared for a new Thursday morning.

"Creature?" she said. "You mean lake monster?"

"It's a monster no longer," I said. "Lupe objected to calling it that. Her argument and I think it's a good one, is that we know so little about it that calling it a monster may give the public a prejudiced point of view."

"Ah," she said with a nod of the head, "and as we know too well, the public is already prejudiced to the tonsils."

"Rem acu tetigisti," I said and I felt pretty good about it too. I don't know what it means, perhaps you do, but I see it in all the best books.

"By the way," she said, "I'm curious. What do we know about this lake creature?"

"Creature of the Lake," I said.

"Whatever," she said. "What do we know for sure."

"No more than scientists know about the number of galaxies in the Milky Way," I said. "We know only that it's mathematically proven."

"What mathematically proven?" she said.

"Well, you remember that Lupe is one of those delinquent whizzes in math and she's developed the formula that proves the creature has to be there."

"You meant to say, juvenile, not delinquent," she said.

"Did I?" I said. "She's a juvenile who's not delinquent in math then."

She looked at her hands--I don't know why--and shook her head. She is prone to headaches so maybe she felt one coming on.

"I'm going to have to doubt that Lupe proved the existence of a lake monster with a mathematical formula."

"But it's true," I said. "It was her special project at the School of Science and Math in Durham. She took into consideration all sorts of stuff, like water temperature, the average depth of the lake, food supply, and stuff like that. I think the nuclear power plant figured heavily into the equation."

"I'll bet it did," she said.

"I have a copy of the equation somewhere," I said. "Was planning to use it in my article when we get a photo of the creature."

"You're going to photograph it?" she said.

"Yes," I said. "That's why I spend so much time at the lake. But we don't want people to know which lake. We don't want anyone messing about on the water and causing the creature a lot of anxiety and whatnot. Lupe thinks the creature may be a mother taking care of her young."

"Mathematically proven, of course," said the Wonder. Then she added in a thoughtful way, "A lake full of radioactive, mutant monsters."

"Yeah, creatures," I said. "Exciting hunh?"

"So how're you going to get a photo if you've spent all summer out there and haven't seen it yet?"

"Ah, that's my latest inspiration," I said. "When Lupe demanded that we not cause the creature unnecessary stress, it made me think of Happy Cats Wellness."

"I don't follow," she said.

"On our website, we teach people how they can enrich the lives of their cats to keep them curious, engaged, and happy."

"Yes?" she said.

"One of those suggestions is that the cat must get plenty of hunting play, right? Playing games that mimic hunting--something the cat is driven to do anyway."

"Wait a second," she said. "You're not telling me that you plan to coax this creature into hunting mode so that you can get a photo?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you," I said. "Cats need to hunt because they've been conditioned through the millennia to stalk, pounce, kill and devour prey. I'm betting the creature is the same."

"One way to improve the lives  of cats is to dangle a feather on a string in front of them to get them to stalk and pounce."

"Please tell me," she said, "that you don't plan to use a fishing rod to cast bait into the lair and tempt a monster to attack. With you at the other end of the fishing pole and probably up to your waist in the lake?"

"Ms. Wonder," I said. "do give me some credit. Of course, I won't do something that silly. No, I've a much better way and it's absolutely certain to work. And it's a creature, not a monster."

"Do tell," she said.

"I have the perfect spot in mind where I will draw her out of hiding with hunting play, but not by dangling a feather."

"Although you admit that you know nothing about this creature," she said.

"I don't have to know anything," I said. "My plan requires no information other than knowing of something that no creature can ignore."

"You're going to have a mutant, radioactive monster chase a red dot across the surface of the lake?"

"Yes, I know, it's genius, isn't it?" I said and I felt pretty good about it too.

The Toby Reaction

"You had a reaction to the vaccination?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," I said.

"Was it serious?" he said.

"Was it serious! Let me tell you how serious it was and still is," I said.

"Do tell," he said, "I'll bet you hold me spellbound."

"OK, then," I said. "It had been that kind of day when everything's not what it should be--your head's not making sense and you feel like you're not where you're supposed to be. You know the kind of day I mean?"

"No," he said.

"What?" I said.

"Don't drivel. I have an appointment and don't have time for the color comments. Just the facts please."

"Well, if that's the way you want it." I said. "But it'll be far less interesting without the supernatural elements. Pay close attention because I'll move quickly through the salient points."

"Not quickly enough," he said. I thought it set a tone low on my list of preferred tones but, after considering this and that, I decided to give it a pass.

"After the vaccination," I said, "I walked through the hardware store toward the exit and you'll never guess what I saw."

"You got a vaccination in a hardware store? Are you sure you're OK? Have you been out in the sun recently?"

I held up a hand to indicate that I'd take no more interruptions. It did little good--we were on the phone. "Mumps," I said. Not his name, of course, but that's what I've called him for so long I've forgotten his real name. "I am perfectly fine," I said, "so put a sock in it and let me finish this story."

"Fine," he said but he didn't say it with any real chirpiness.

"As I said, I walked out of the room and the first thing that caught my eye was a gnome."

He held up a hand and shook his head. At least I assumed he did because the gesture is something I'd expect from him. 

"Just as I thought, Genome, you've been out in the sun and without a hat."

"I told you the kind of day it was," I said. "Surely you can guess how stressful my drive into Durham had been if you paid to what I told you in the first place.

"This is what comes of too much pills and liquor," he said.

"At any rate, there it was."

"A gnome?"

"Yes, a gnome, and in fact, there were two of them left from what was once a three-gnome garden set."

"You're talking about a yard gnome," he said.

"What did you think?" I said.

"Never mind," he said, "go on."

"So I bought Toby. I named him Toby; I don't know why--just a whim, I guess--and brought him home, but Ms. Wonder disapproved of him. She said I should put him outside in the garden.  Well, she'd made her wishes clear, so I put him in the front garden underneath a mushroom. I thought he'd like that."

"I'm lost," Mumps said. "I don't know why we're talking about this."

"I'll tell you why," I said. "Because he was so unhappy with being left outdoors that he ran away and now he's traveling across the country running up charges on my credit card."

"And your reaction to the vaccination was buying a garden gnome?"

"Well, a normal person doesn't have these experiences," I said.

He nodded but it did little good because we were still on the phone.

What's Your Atlantis?

"Well, here we are again, Ms Wonder," I said, and I said it with not a little topspin.

"Where is that?" she asked while doing something to an eyebrow.

"Don't do that," I said. "Don't start that again, as though you don't know what I'm talking about."

"You mean the solstice?"

"I'm not talking about the solstice. It has nothing to do with longer nights and colder weather, although emotionally it does feel like the long, dark, teatime of the soul."

"Please tell me it's not about Straw Valley."

"Well, it is about the Straw Valley affair and why not?

"I'm not familiar with the straw valley affair," she said.

"It's capitalized," I said. "and you are perfectly familiar with it."

"You're talking about the Straw Valley complex in the Commons," she said. "I thought it was closed."

"Oh no, no, no," I said. "Reopened some months ago and under new management. You wouldn't recognize the place. Well, you would, of course, but it's even better is what I mean. There's a wellness center in the Blake House and the restaurant has undergone a complete renovation to become the  Korean Vegan Palace."

"I doubt that but why are you telling me this?"

"Because," I said and then paused for theatrical breath, "the wellness center is talking to me about offering meditation and qigong classes in the courtyard again."

"Not that again," she said. Now, I know what you're thinking if you follow the ups and downs of Genome here on this slab of digital granite. You're probably thinking that the last bit of dialogue had the wrong tone. You're thinking that it lacked the rally-round element. And you're probably thinking that the Genome took it big. Well, you're right. I did.

"What do you mean, not that again?" I said raising my voice. "Bringing sweetness and light to the over-burdened hearts of the world is my calling. The courtyard of Straw Valley is my Atlantis. I'm going to teach meditation and qigong until my eyes bubble."

"That's the spirit!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, well I'm happy to know I have your approval."

"Always," she said.

"Thank you, Poopsie."

"Not at all," she said, and then giving me a questioning look she added, "You're not wearing khaki pants again?"

"Wonder Woman," I said.

"Yes?"

"Let's not spoil the moment, shall we?"

"Suit yourself," she said.

"That's what I've done," I said. And with that I wished her a tinkerty-tonk and was out the door like a spinnaker under full sail.

One Thing After Another

I woke with a light heart and with the words of that old saw running through my mind. How does it go, 'Let us then be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving...', something, something, blah, blah, blah, and then it ends with some guff about laboring and waiting but let's not allow the thing to bring us down, I just thought I'd mention it.

Woolly Bull at the Durham Bulls baseball field

As I said, I was in a good mood but, as we all know, just because the day begins well is no reason to think it will continue that way. I didn't fall for it. I maintained a heart for any fate.

I had business with the Center for Integrative Medicine at Duke and the day being so fine, I decided to cruise in that direction. I counted cats and then ankled toward the door but before I opened it, the phone tootled.

"Can you please bring a box of those felted soaps to my office, please?" said a familiar voice. 

"No problem, Poopsie, for I am just now on my way to Duke, and when I leave there, I will drop by your place on Blackwell Street with the goods."

See how pleasant it all was? But don't let that fool you. No, no, no, you just wait. As soon as the car left the garage, the sky opened and forty days and nights of rain began falling.

Well, everything looks different in the rain, of course, and I made a wrong turn. You expected that, didn't you? But I'll bet you didn't expect this: as soon as I made the turn I was stopped by police cars and fire trucks. That's right, but they weren't interested in me and I can't say that I had much interest in them. I instructed the car to phone Wonder.

"Poopsie, I'm going to be a little late with the soaps and whatnot."

"That's OK," she said, unfazed as always. "Take your time."

"Oh, I will surely be taking my time, all right," I said. "I'm stuck in traffic. Someone's set fire to the road."

"Set fire to what?"

"The road, Poopsie, someone's lit up Fayetteville Street."

"But, I don't understand you. Why would someone set fire to a road? You mean there's been a traffic accident?"

"I don't see any accident," I said. "I only see the road ahead and it's blazing like the dickens. You ask a good question though. Why torch a road? Just a passing whim, do you think?"

She said no more but signed off rather abruptly. Probably some emergency in operations management. Eventually, I was able to extricate myself from squad cars and fire hoses, and I began to drive Durham-ward. But it was still raining and I made another wrong turn. 

No fire trucks this time and I reasoned the best course of action was a U-turn. It took very little effort to make the turn because some traffic engineer had thoughtfully built a convenient spot for doing just that. Effortless but interesting anyway. I phoned the Wonder Woman.

"Poopsie," I said, "I wish you were here. I just made a U-turn, in one of those specially prepared places in the road where one is encouraged to make a U-turn, and you will hardly credit it, but there was a sign warning "Do Not Enter." I would have photographed it but, as I say, I was u-turning."

"Probably just an extra piece of road signage that was lying about. I wouldn't concern myself with it if I were you. I'm amazed that they spend good tax-payer money on signs like those," she said.

"But the entertainment value alone justifies them, don't you think?" I said. She rang off again.

I was now headed in the right direction and had found just the road to get me there when I was stopped by traffic again. You will be happy to know that the road wasn't burning and there were no emergency vehicles. There was, however, a yellow ribbon of the type you see strung across the roadways when people are raising money for some charity or other. The sign said, Iron Duke.

I know a thing or two about these Iron Dukes. For one thing, they take no guff from the locals. Don't mess with the Iron Duke is the word that goes around town, so I don't. Now, I'm not sure how it happened, but I was able, eventually, to find a detour that brought me to the gates where they sell tickets to the Greatest Show on Dirt. 

No Durham Bulls ball games scheduled for November, of course, so plenty of parking and I could walk to Wonder's office. Without further mishap, I arrived at the back door, underneath the Woolly Bull in left field.

"Thank you, Genome. You're one in a million," she said.

"I know," I said. "Don't mention it. It was quite exciting actually. Let's do it again tomorrow, shall we?"

Beware October Nights!

It was a cool and windy morning with leaves blowing around and that peculiar electric feeling you have when magic is in the air. I wasted no time in getting to Native Grounds and, wrangling a cup of the hot and steaming, I seated myself in the Den of the Secret Nine near the corner next to the English phone booth. Bob was there and greeted me with, "October is my favorite year of the month of the year."

"I couldn't agree more on both accounts," I said and I meant every word. October is the month when the blustery winds from the Bad Lands spread all across the continent; the rain falls like it's trying to break the old 40-day-and-night record; and the nights are black as the inside of a cat. It makes waking up in the morning an exciting prospect.

Just last night the wind howled and lightning stabbed the grounds of Chatsford Hall like a blind assassin, and thunder rolled around the hills like troll laughter. This was a little storm as maelstroms go but it had rolled up its sleeves and was getting down to it. It had no doubt been hanging around the rural areas for some time, getting practice with a few summer squalls, making contacts and getting ready for the big time. Now an opportunity had opened up late in the year and it was doing everything it could to get recognized by one of the major weather patterns.

Looking out my bedroom window, I thought I could see three stooped and hooded figures in the glare of the thunderbolts on the knoll behind the apple orchard. They were gathered around the embers of a small fire that gleamed like the madness in a weasel's eye. Above the Crash! Boom! Bang!, I thought I heard a voice shriek, "When shall we three meet again?" Could have been my imagination.

The Egyptians believed that magic held the world together and kept everything working smoothly. A  matter of opinion if you ask me. One thing I do know about magic is that it gathers in the mountains in the western regions of North Carolina and is stored in the quartz crystal that form the foundations of the Blue Ridge. Geologists say that quartz granules washed down from the mountains and carried by the rivers and waterways to the sea are the reason for the whiteness of the Crystal Coast beaches. It follows then, that North Carolina is a magical place.

And now it's October and we're on our way to Halloween--season of the witch. I love this time of year because it makes me feel really alive. Well, we're all living of course, but the act of being alive requires active participation. Simply living, on the other hand, is a passive experience.

I've had two experiences in my life that catapulted me into the dimension of being alive. One of those experiences was a traffic accident that brought me to the Doors of Death and allowed a short conversation with the Master of the House. The second was a screaming match with the Thirteenth Ghost. It's not in these annals now. Perhaps later. Still, I can't think of Halloween and not think of these two experiences.

My responses to the both sets of events were apparently the correct ones because I was left with an exhilaration--an ecstasy--of living life fully engaged. Both contributed greatly to the development of the principles of Fierce Qigong. Live comes hard and fast--be ready for anything. And in case, if I don't speak to you before the magical night--Happy Halloween!