Princess Amy materialized in my passenger seat this morning as I sat in the Cinespace Studios parking lot on 23rd Street, studying the building where the "RJ Decker" production has set up its offices.
"Reconnaissance," I explained. "I'm being proactive this time."
"You're sitting in a parking lot staring at an empty building," she said, adjusting her imaginary tiara. "This is the kind of activity that will put your name on a restraining order."
"It's called preparation," I countered. "I'm learning from my mistakes."
"Oh, good," she said, settling in with fake enthusiasm, "Because you have so many to learn from. The most recent one is that you were supposed to be outside the county courthouse today filming the reshoot of scenes from the RJ Decker pilot episode."
She wasn't wrong. My track record of documenting film productions around town reads like a masterclass in what not to do. But with ABC's "RJ Decker" starting production soon, I've decided it's time to step up my game.
"Let's look at the record, starting with 'The Runarounds,'" Amy said, getting ready to tick items off on her imaginary fingers. Amy is the avatar for my erratic emotions; she doesn’t actually have fingers.
"Where do I even begin with that one?" she asked. It was a rhetorical question, but I interrupted anyway, hoping to stop the barrage of criticism that I knew was coming.
"I managed to wrangle some good video footage," I offered.
"You got footage of the production crew on lunch break," she corrected. "And you coached a local extra with his one line until he overthought it so badly they fired him."
"That's not what happened," I protested. "He asked me to hear him do his lines, and I advised him to speak up, proper elocution being of the essence. Everyone knows that."
"By the way, how's he doing?" she asked. "Have you spoken to him?"
"I think he's coming around. His eyes are focused, and he's breathing normally now."
Hoping to steer our her discussion into a positive direction, I asked, "How about we consider things we’ve learned over the past year?"
"Really?" she said. "You want to go there? Well, let's see, we learned that craft services is not a networking event, and 'just act natural' is not a valid security strategy. Let me see what else? Oh, yeah, you arrived at Flaming Amy's Taco Bar to film a production crew that was filming on-site at High Tide Tiki Bar on Pleasure Island."
"The internet said they were filming there,” I reminded her.
"The internet is seldom trustworthy," she said.
"Lesson learned," I admitted.
“Oh, all right," she said. "It's fun to see you squirm, but it doesn't accomplish anything. Let's get to my suggestions for the RJ Decker project. Now pay attention."
The mental image of her counting on her fingers reappeared.
"From here on out," she began, "we double-check dates. We obey traffic laws even at set locations. And not everyone wearing a headset is a crew member."
"You're right," I admitted. "If not for bad luck, there'd be no luck."
"Bad luck?" she said through her laughter, "Genome, you're like a Swiss watch of failure—precise, predictable, and consistent.”
“That's harsh."
"You once tried to interview your own reflection in a store window."
"That was a life-like reflection and only momentary confusion, and you know it. Anyone could have made that mistake."
"So what's your brilliant strategy this time?” Her tone suggested she already knew the answer would disappoint her.
“Well,” I began, hoping to regain some of the credibility I’d lost. “I’ve subscribed to local media outlets, set up Google alerts, and I'm following the casting agent on social media responsible for recruiting extras for the production.”
"That’s actually sensible," Amy admitted grudgingly.
"Thank you!"
"And I'm guessing, since we're sitting outside Cinespace Studios, that you plan to visit possible set locations before filming even starts?"
"Reconnaissance missions," I corrected. "Like I'm doing now."
"You're sitting in an empty parking lot.”
“Instead of trying to infiltrate restricted areas, I'm focusing on legitimate public viewing opportunities."
"Promising," said the princess.
"The New Hanover County Courthouse is a public building. Carolina Beach has public access. Churchill Drive has public sidewalks. I can document from outside security perimeters, and maybe not create traffic hazards this time.
"This is the first thing you've said that doesn't make me worried for public safety," Amy said.
"Really?"
"Don't get excited. The bar was extremely low."
A moment of silence passed as I waited to see what she was going to say next.
"Genome," she said.
"Still here, old girl," I said.
"I have a suggestion that you should seriously consider. It’s so obvious, you should have thought of it yourself."
"Sweeten up, princess."
"You have Ms. Wonder in your life, you blockhead. She often takes you by the hand and leads you safely to wherever it is you should go."
"That's true,” I admitted.
"Wonder has completed the documentary studies program at Duke University. She’s the perfect source to help you with your strategy if you only ask. Promise me you'll do that."
"I promise," I said solemnly."
On November 24th, the curtain went up on the first day of filming for RJ Decker. The cameras rolled. Security was tight. And I wasn’t there, due to several failures, the primary one being that the filming location was Carolina Beach when I was convinced it was downtown.
They have 8 episodes to film for the first season, so the next few weeks are going to be enlightening or entertaining; definitely one or the other. Maybe both.
