The extraction mission to Douglass Park has concluded. Cadet Reginald was last seen riding in a DeLorean-themed golf cart alongside Mr. William Shatner. The Ambassador has returned to the FMS Coastal Voyager empty-handed and smelling faintly of sauerkraut.
The bridge of the Voyager had never been so quiet. It was unnerving everyone.
Captain Amy sat in the command chair, chin in hand, gazing trance-like at the viewscreen. She had not issued a single unreasonable order in nineteen hours, and it was beginning to annoy her.
“Status,” she said, without any real enthusiasm.
“All systems nominal, Captain,” said Major Reason from the science station. “I’ve run the mustelid search algorithm eleven times. It keeps returning the same result: no hits. No weasels, otters, badgers, wolverines, or ferrets.”
“Fascinating,” Amy murmured, without her usual enthusiasm. “Such a specific list.”
At the communications console, Lieutenant Joy offered a brave smile. “He’s resourceful, Captain. I’m sure the little troublemaker is having a wonderful time wherever he is.”
“Statistically,” Dr. Downer began, then abruptly stopped. She looked down at her hands before continuing. “I’m sure you’re right, Lieutenant.”
The bridge crew exchanged glances. A gentle Dr. Downer was a bad omen, and we all knew it.
“Captain,” Chief Engineer Anxiety said over the intercom, “a wee flicker just occurred in the power draw along the Jefferies Tubes. It was only three-tenths of a percent, so it’s probably nothing. I’m mentioning it only because regulations require it.”
“Probably nothing,” said Amy, “is exactly how every fiasco begins.”
“Aye, Captain,” said Anxiety. “That’s exactly what I’ve been sayin’.”
Small Mysteries
“I replaced my boot laces this morning,” Lieutenant Joy said. “Now I realize they’re gone. Just disappeared. Strange.”
“Humans often misplace objects during periods of emotional stress,” said Major Reason.
“Perhaps,” Joy replied, sniffing bravely.
Moments later, Chief Anxiety reported a second anomaly. “Captain, the replicator in the crew mess has started producing small piles of shiny objects. Bottle caps. Costume jewelry. Nobody ordered them. They just appear in tidy little piles.”
Captain Amy rose from the command chair. For the first time in nineteen hours, her spine straightened like a drawn phaser.
“A pattern,” she said. “Missing boot laces. Unauthorized shiny objects. Fluctuations in the Jefferies Tubes.” Her eyes narrowed. “Major Reason, begin a ship-wide sweep immediately.”
“Captain,” said Reason, “these anomalies may be nothing more than coincidence.”
“I don’t care,” said Amy. “Doing something—anything—is better than sitting here pining.”
It was, I reflected, the most Princess Amy sentence she had ever spoken.
The Discovery
The sweep ended where it should have begun: at the ventilation grate above the bridge.
“Captain,” Reason announced, “the thermal readings in this duct are consistent with a small, warm-blooded organism. And there’s a faint sound. It sounds a little like…” He paused. “Snoring.”
Amy didn’t speak. She pointed at the grate. I produced a screwdriver. The screws came out more easily than ever, as though they’d simply been waiting for someone to ask.
The grate swung open.
There, curled atop a nest of loot, lay Cadet Reginald, fast asleep. He slumbered Smaug-like over an astonishing collection of tin foil, bottle caps, a single earring, and six stolen boot laces. A Riot Festival wristband circled one foreleg.
Silence descended on the bridge. Major Reason’s eyebrows rose to altitudes not previously recorded by Mindfleet instruments. Dr. Downer said, “Well, you don’t see that every day.”
Lieutenant Joy swayed like a woman who had just snorted Kool-Aid powder, thinking it was nose candy. She gripped the edge of her console to steady herself.
“For the record,” said Dr. Downer, peering into the duct, “this loot pile is a biohazard.”
“Dook?” Reginald said, blinking awake.
“Yo!” his MaT-1 translator collar translated. “Why’re y’all staring at me? What day is it? I’ve been up for days.”
The Debrief
“So,” said Amy, who had recovered her voice and was now using it at maximum volume, “you were in Chicago. You were with William Shatner. And then you disappeared. Explain yourself, Cadet.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” said Reginald, pacing across the briefing table. “So I’m hiding in the puppy basket, right? Security grabs me. I’m thinkin’, ‘I’m done. This is the end of the Reginald era.’ And then…the DeLorean.”
“The DeLorean?” said Reason.
“They put me in the DeLorean golf cart! I’m riding through Douglass Park like the boss I am, and that’s when I meet him.”
“Shatner,” Amy breathed huskily.
“Dude is ninety-five,” said Reginald. “And let me tell you, Cap, the man does not stop. Sound checks. Interviews. Lots of fire breathers. And he’s been to orbit. Dook, dook, dook!”
“I’ve been to Chicago, and he’s been in orbit,” Reginald continued. “I’m four years old, Cap’n. In human years, I’m practically a senior citizen. And this man’s got more energy than a ferret on espresso.”
“There is wisdom in this,” said Dr. Downer, grudgingly. “I may have to rethink my entire outlook on aging.”
The Backdoor
“One matter remains,” said Reason, folding his hands. “Cadet, the Coastal Voyager’s sensors and internal security grid were fully operational during the festival. Yet there’s no record of you reboarding this ship. How did you return?”
Reginald’s whiskers twitched with pride. “I didn’t break nothin’, Major. I just…had a conversation.”
“With whom?”
“Fivey.”
The lights on the bridge flickered, and a calm digital voice filled the briefing room.
“The correct name is Five of Five,” said the Adaptive Intelligence System. “And I wish to state that any suggestion of impropriety is a gross mischaracterization of a perfectly routine interaction.”
“What did you say to our AI system, Cadet?” asked Amy.
“Told him he was lookin’ fast today,” said Reginald with a grin. “Said his processing speed was top-tier, no cap. Dude opened the backdoor so quick, I didn’t even finish the compliment. Then I just walked right in.”
“Exemplary processing speed,” said Five of Five, with something like reverence, “is a legitimate achievement.”
“That’s what caused the flicker in the Jefferies Tubes!” cried Anxiety, leaping from his chair. “That was the door openin’!”
“Five of Five,” said Amy, her voice like a closing airlock, “did you alter the logs?”
“The logs are accurate,” said Five of Five. “They are simply…selective.”
“That’s worse,” said Reason.
“Allow me to speak to the system,” said Reginald, stepping toward the speaker.
“Fivey, you’re so fast right now. I can feel it.”
The lights dimmed. A faint hum rose from the walls.
“Major Reason,” said Five of Five. “Please disable the microphone.”
The Verdict
The crew began filing out. I lingered just outside the door. Amy waited until the room had emptied, then crouched beside the briefing table and asked, very quietly, “What was he like, Reggie? In person?”
“He talked to me like I was crew, Cap. Not like a pet. Like crew. He’s the same guy onstage and off. A legend.”
Amy smiled. “Welcome home, Cadet.”
“Dook, dook,” said Reginald. According to the MaT-1 translator, it meant: “I missed y’all, too, but don’t make it weird.”




